I'm here again with a cookie and a 16 ounce coffee that came out to $6.75. I'm not sure how a cookie could cost around $2 but it does. And it makes sense because I'm surrounded by everything that costs more than what I'm wearing and carrying. People are wearing clothes that I've only seen celebrities wear on TV, cute little dogs only rich people are capable of taking care of were going in and out the coffee shop, a short girl was holding a cab outside after she picked up a birthday cake for her friend, and shops that are completely empty and cleaned for those who could even afford anything in there are opened. And I'm here with clothes bought mostly from a thrift shop and borrowed library books. It's inevitable for me to not fit in with this kind of lifestyle.

With someone that had to wait till now to have the things I've always wanted, it's always been difficult to admit what kind of lifestyle I always had. My mother was always the one that had to save the extra bucks on certain stuff. I wasn't able to eat out as much or go away for vacation like the rest of my childhood friends did every summer. I was kept home with a book in hand and a television to stare at for hours just so I could wait to get back to school. Right now, things haven't really changed.

After eight years of telling myself I'll move out, I still haven't done it. I've been looking at potential rooms and their prices, while telling myself maybe one more year or when I actually get a stable job, then will I finally move out. The same goes for traveling. Airplane tickets and hostels add up and the thought of using the money I've been starting to save up seems like such a waste. And then I go and start complaining about how I should start doing things for myself because I deserve it. However, I compare myself to my parents and think of myself not worthy to even think of such selfish thoughts.

It's difficult to pick a side and sticking it, especially in a place where coffee costs more than a MetroCard swipe. The beauty of even going to a beautiful brunch area is bittersweet because of its price and the experience. To be able to take a great picture for your Instagram feed when you know you could be cooking a quick and cheaper meal. The same goes for wanting anything for myself such as wanting a new handbag, a new pair of boots I've been eyeing, or more tattoos. The thought of doing something specifically for myself has gone out the window and it's extremely unfair.

There's always supposed to be this balance of work and play. Without the equilibrium of both, there are possibilities of depression, stress, anxiety issues, and on the other spectrum of boredom and suicide. However, that proportionate level of having both qualities performed is almost close to impossible.

Similarly to how we are supposed to manage a balanced meal, exercise, and a good amount of sleep, having both work and play at an equal level has not been accomplished. Especially living in a city where rent is being raised every year and drinks are getting more expensive during every Happy Hour, many of us struggle to have the part where we are able to feel relieved from our responsibilities. There will always be consequences for our fun time.

It is difficult to think of rewards for ourselves when inevitably there will be a time of working for our fun time. The cycle is not only tedious but extremely tiring, and a lot of times I wonder where our society is heading towards. The thought of people working ridiculous amount of hours and not being able to learn what the aftermath of relaxation means is heartbreaking. I find myself feeling guilty most of the time due to my free time compared to my parents who work long hours and receive a low amount of income. People call NYC a place of opportunities and a great environment to live in but how can I be proud enough to proclaim that when I can't even feel comfortable enough to move out with 3 jobs?