Dear Anxiety,
I'm going to be honest. I want to curse at you, scream and cry at you, but then you would be winning. So, I'm going to be calm. Because that shows that I defy you, and you do not have as much control as you think you do over me.
I've known you for as long as I can remember. You're, unfortunately, a big part of my life. You're always there when I don't know how else to feel. I've felt your strong presence whenever I am mourning over something. It has been many different situations. From the times you've whispered in my ear telling me that my friends were mad at me when I had no proof. To the little things like when I think I made a mistake, you make sure to bring it to my attention and raise my paranoia on the possible outcome. Each and every time, you give me this icky feeling in my chest that sometimes causes me nausea or dizziness. You don't seem to care. Despite my side effects, you continue to whisper in my ear. You continue to tell me lies that I know aren't true, but you tell me otherwise. I can't call you a friend, nor can I call you an enemy. You're some sort of being in my life that doesn't know when to quit.
It was all your fault to begin with. It's your fault that I think such horrible things about myself. It was you who wanted me to do something bad to myself and sent me to a hospital for almost a week. It was you who told me not to take my medicine just so you could stay.
As I write this, you're silent. Why is that? Perhaps it's because you can't handle the true strength I have? I've said it before, and I'm going to say it again. I defy you. You're nothing but a chemical. I'm bigger and better than you ever will be. I have something that you don't: friends and family. I have love. I have support. I have people who will stand their ground and be ready when you attack. You're nothing but a bully, and I don't need that kind of being in my life. I can't get rid of you completely. I know you'll never leave. I can, however, tame you. I can control you more than I think I can. I'm much stronger than you.
You're probably wondering why I made this an open letter instead of telling you this in private. It's because I know I'm not alone. I'm not the only one who has someone like you. I want this open so others who battle with their anxiety are not alone. I want them to know that they, too, can defy beings like you.
Remember this the next time you want to bring something to my attention just to make me panic.
Sincerely,
Catie Kopp
