Why You Need To Write a Letter To Your Pain

Why You Need To Write a Letter To Your Pain

It's time to stop self-censoring.
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I don't really know what prompted me to write this letter or when I first felt like it might be helpful. The idea would flash through my mind, and I'd shove it down and say, "not right now." But the other night, I was wide awake and starting to spiral into a panic attack, and I knew what I had to do. I grabbed a journal, and I wrote and I wrote and I wrote. I can't tell you that I felt amazing afterwards. I can't tell you that all of a sudden, I knew things would be okay. But I can tell you that I felt a little release. I let myself say things I had refused to admit before, and it was healing. I addressed the hidden feelings straight-on, because I'm finding that's the only way to work through them sometimes.

So, maybe this is what you need to do. Maybe you're hiding emotions in the depths of your heart, pushing away how you feel in order to express how you think you should be. And maybe it's not working anymore. That's okay.

For a little bit of time, let all your walls down, and just write. It might be easier than you anticipate. Just start, and let what you need to come out flow out of you. Be honest. Take your time. Don't censor your words. Write your dark truths.

Write what you need to write to find some release and some healing. Write what you need to write to get you through tonight. Write what you need to write to keep going a little longer.

Write the pain. Write the hurt. Write the anger. Write the hope.

Some of my letter is immensely personal, so I'm not including all of it, but I do want to share parts of it to remind you that you're not alone. You're not the only one feeling the way you do. And it's okay to let it out sometimes.

Dear Chronic Pain,

I'm really tired of you. All I want is to get away from you, but I never know how. Every morning, I wake up, and you hit me. All throughout the day, you steal my air and my energy and my ability. Every night, you torment me, tease me with your never-ending presence, taunting me with your forever-ness.

You have taken so much, and try as I might to not, I do hold that against you. I miss my friends. I miss handling loads of schoolwork. I miss having a job. I miss exercising. I miss standing strong. It's like every day, you just keep taking. You are never satisfied, are you? When will you stop? When I can't walk anymore? When I am so debilitated I can't get out of bed to use the bathroom? Or when I simply can't breathe anymore?

You know, I used to have big dreams. And yeah, I still have them, but it's a lot harder to dream with you around. How am I supposed to set goals for tomorrow when I can't find the strength to do anything today? How am I supposed to get excited for the future when I know that you could follow me there?

...

It's 2 a.m., and I'm crying and panicking, because you are this dark shadow hanging over me, closing in and suffocating me. And you're a poison on the inside, seeping into my bones and coursing through my blood stream.

I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired of being sick, of being tired, of having you around. You are limiting and awful and hard to handle in every way. I try and I try and I try to handle you well, and it's like every time I finally feel like I'm getting there, you throw another curve ball at me, and everything spins into a life-tornado again.

You have robbed me of so much, and I hate that I cannot take anything back from you.

But you know what else? Chronic pain, you can't have me. You, illness, are not going to destroy me. You're trying, and most days, I feel defeated, but deep down, I still feel a few ounces of hope that one day I will rise up again and defeat you.

I want to be mad at you - and some days, like tonight, I am. I hate you, and I'm fighting against you as hard as my frail body and heart can fight. But I also stand on the promise that the God I serve is bigger than you, and I don't have to be afraid.

See, you do not control my life - He does. And right now, He's letting you in and maybe giving you some space for a while. Maybe one day He'll reign you back in and send you away, and I'll be able to truly live the way I want to again. But I guess the bigger truth is you have tried to steal my life, and I don't think you're going to stop trying. But you can't have it. It's mine, and I'm going to keep showing up for it, no matter what you say.

Cover Image Credit: pixabay.com

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8 Reasons Why My Dad Is the Most Important Man In My Life

Forever my number one guy.
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Growing up, there's been one consistent man I can always count on, my father. In any aspect of my life, my dad has always been there, showing me unconditional love and respect every day. No matter what, I know that my dad will always be the most important man in my life for many reasons.

1. He has always been there.

Literally. From the day I was born until today, I have never not been able to count on my dad to be there for me, uplift me and be the best dad he can be.

2. He learned to adapt and suffer through girly trends to make me happy.

I'm sure when my dad was younger and pictured his future, he didn't think about the Barbie pretend pageants, dressing up as a princess, perfecting my pigtails and enduring other countless girly events. My dad never turned me down when I wanted to play a game, no matter what and was always willing to help me pick out cute outfits and do my hair before preschool.

3. He sends the cutest texts.

Random text messages since I have gotten my own cell phone have always come my way from my dad. Those randoms "I love you so much" and "I am so proud of you" never fail to make me smile, and I can always count on my dad for an adorable text message when I'm feeling down.

4. He taught me how to be brave.

When I needed to learn how to swim, he threw me in the pool. When I needed to learn how to ride a bike, he went alongside me and made sure I didn't fall too badly. When I needed to learn how to drive, he was there next to me, making sure I didn't crash.

5. He encourages me to best the best I can be.

My dad sees the best in me, no matter how much I fail. He's always there to support me and turn my failures into successes. He can sit on the phone with me for hours, talking future career stuff and listening to me lay out my future plans and goals. He wants the absolute best for me, and no is never an option, he is always willing to do whatever it takes to get me where I need to be.

6. He gets sentimental way too often, but it's cute.

Whether you're sitting down at the kitchen table, reminiscing about your childhood, or that one song comes on that your dad insists you will dance to together on your wedding day, your dad's emotions often come out in the cutest possible way, forever reminding you how loved you are.


7. He supports you, emotionally and financially.

Need to vent about a guy in your life that isn't treating you well? My dad is there. Need some extra cash to help fund spring break? He's there for that, too.

8. He shows me how I should be treated.

Yes, my dad treats me like a princess, and I don't expect every guy I meet to wait on me hand and foot, but I do expect respect, and that's exactly what my dad showed I deserve. From the way he loves, admires, and respects me, he shows me that there are guys out there who will one day come along and treat me like that. My dad always advises me to not put up with less than I deserve and assures me that the right guy will come along one day.

For these reasons and more, my dad will forever be my No. 1 man. I love you!

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Being Sick In College Is A Real Struggle

Being sick in college is definitely not as fun as having a sick day in middle school or high school.

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Something that I have had to deal with multiple times these past two semesters is being sick while in school. It can be a real pain especially depending on what type of sickness it is. I have had tonsillitis, mono, and I'm pretty sure I also had the flu.

Being at school and away from home can make being sick worse because there is nobody to take of you such as your parents. Another thing is having to make the decision to get the rest that your body needs in order to feel better or staying on top of your assignments to avoid falling behind. My parents will always tell me to get a good night's sleep so my body can feel better the next day. However, sometimes I will feel more stress if my work isn't getting done and I feel like I'm falling behind and leaving things to get done in the last minute.

Currently, I am sick now and the past few days haven't been easy, but I still attended all my classes so I wouldn't miss any material or assignments that were given. I usually end up feeling the worst at night when trying to fall asleep, and by that time the doctors are not present at the student health center. Even though my health is important I usually don't like taking too much time out of my day to go to the health center to see a doctor. Some days I don't really have much free time before the evening.

I don't believe I have been over-exerting myself, but I don't want to just stay in my bed all day and sleep, even though that may be what is best for me. Most professors will be understanding if I email them and provide them a doctor's note as well, but I also just got back from a conference where I had to miss two days of classes next week.

I have been trying to keep hydrated so that way my body can fight the sickness. Also, I have been told if you stay hydrated you can flush the virus out of your body quicker.

Eating can also be a pain when you have a sore throat, for the past couple of days I have tried to have some soup in order to help. Most meals I would have to force myself to eat something of substance in order to give my body some type of energy in order to get through the day. It's also never fun not being able to breathe out of your nostrils. If it wasn't my nose being stuffed, then it would be constantly runny so there was no winning that battle.

Looking back, I probably should have done a bit more work over spring break in order to get ahead in the case that something like this would happen. I wanted my break to be exactly that, a break. After not being home for a few months I just wanted some time off to relax.

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