Disclaimer: I can't speak for other people who have what I have. I can only tell you how I feel. If you are not okay mentally, please seek help from a loved one or even a therapist. If you need someone to talk to, I am here. I will listen. And I love and care about you. Thank you. (And an emergency text line I used many times which is free and will connect you with a therapist/counselor to text is 741-741. Trust me they are very helpful.).
It is not a show. It is not a cry for attention. It is what I deal with on a daily basis. My therapist and I have discussed this. It may be from the psychological abuse I had dealt growing up. Or the emotional manipulation people had pulled on me for many years.
Sometimes I cannot function. Like I go into autopilot. When I get angry this especially happens. I start remembering things I have done wrong. I once went into the restroom with a close pal after my sister told me I didnt do something right for theatre, and I froze. So my friend took me into an empty restroom. And oh I cried. I was on the floor bawling. I was crying out how I never meant to hurt anyone. And what was done I never wanted, but it had to be done. You see, I keep many things secret.I have to do what is needed to protect others. People say I am just doing it to benefit me. But no. That is not the case. Anyway what I was discussing. This happens daily. Sometimes I just bottle it up. I know, you are probably saying "Jelly that's bad!". I think of the ocean when I get the slightest bit of upset. And that's what helps me push things aside. I have relapses every day and sometimes I do not to talk to anyone about it unless it is forced out.Which is extremely difficult to do.
I have a nasty guilt complex, as my no longer friend put it. I feel guilt for many things. It is probably because I care for people. Even the ones who have hurt me and made me appear cruel and cold. I still care about them, even if I am dead to them, due to me changing into who I really am.
That is only a small piece of it. It is a small chunk of what I deal with.
Depression. It's been there for a long time. I have not been alright. I often get asked if I'm okay. When I just want to be alone. But at the same time I feel like I am wasting a life. Not many people realize that from me. Because I try my best to make others happy. Sometimes I feel like it is over, the depression, but then it hits me like a brick. Like I am surprised I am writing this right now. I was laying on my floor all day today, trying to avoid contact with anyone. And just staring at my ceiling and remembering things and it hurts. It really does. They tell me I will be fine. But will I really? I am broken. I am not the happy "Jelly Bean" that everyone knows and loves. I am sorry for breaking your heart on this.
There's anxiety too. Sometimes I get that hideous feeling of everyone hates me. And I believe it. I really do. Like even people who remind me constantly that they love me, I feel like they're lying. And I know they're probably all gonna be upset with me for saying that. But I am constantly afraid that their kindess is a joke. I was hanging out with a group of friends last weekend. I was quieter than usual because I felt as though they were secretly judging me. I suppose that is also paranoia.
I am sorry. I cannot write anymore. I love writing. That's the thing that sucks about me. I love writing. And I will write and write. But then the destructive side comes out. Overall it is a mess, and I really do not want you, dear Reader, to experience it. So I must go for now. I will see you soon.
