Week 1:

I sat nervously across from a stranger. This certainly wasn’t the first time I’ve found myself in this position, but expectations were minimal. I was about to discuss personal details —and my best-kept secrets—to someone who’s first name and profession were the only two things I knew.

“What brings you in?” And just like that, therapy began again. I shared family health history, background information, and present-day concerns. She scanned the pages of her notes and sighed slowly as if it were the longest list she’s ever written.

I had avoided therapy long enough to establish a full agenda of emotional distress—past, present and future—which could’ve explained the slightly judgmental glance that paired nicely with her sigh. I trailed on for that hour, just skimming the surface of references to depression, anxiety, divorce, relationships, family, addiction, forgiveness, poor choices and bad habits. To my dismay, blurting out, “please fix me,” will only get you a laugh, but I guess it was worth a shot.

Regardless, she alluded to a starting point—Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)—which sounds intimidating to anyone who’s fairly new to therapy. Upon further explanation, I decided to be open-minded and give it a try.

Under upsetting circumstances, a person’s brain can’t effectively process information. EMDR is a researched psychotherapy method focusing on the brain’s ability to process by pinpointing a traumatic experience and extracting its negative ties—emotional, physical or both. The moment that’s “frozen in time” is still remembered, but any negative attachments to it are lessened. According to the EMDR International Association, EMDR is similar to what happens naturally in the brain while dreaming (during rapid eye movement, or REM). It isn’t a typical client to patient talk-through analysis, but rather serves as a bridge for the client to reach resolution through his or her own processes. Coming to terms with unwanted weight in the mind and heart can reduce the impact and ultimately pave a path toward more positive connections.

I stared at a monitor with three bright green dots rapidly moving left to right and vice versa. I held two vibrating devices in each hand, which were in sync with the dots.

She then told me to retrieve a comforting memory, which would serve as a go-to when shifting from negative to positive perspectives. Simple. I instantly took myself back to a lake in Canada where my fishing rod never strayed too far from my right hand and where I felt at peace in seclusion. Moments spent like this growing up will forever captivate and calm me.

We ended our first session there, and I was intrigued for what the next week would entail.

Week 2:

First things first, I tend to cry a lot. Over time, I’ve learned that my emotional, sensitive soul is more of a blessing than a curse—younger me believed the contrary. I drilled it into my skull that I was internally fragile, and one of depression’s favorite words, weak. From my experience, I know that I would much rather endure the intense emotional rollercoaster than the numbing effects of medication.

I walked into the room and sat in the same spot on the couch as I did just the week before. The psychologist started setting up the EMDR equipment while we discussed that day’s subject matter and expectations. I decided to focus on my recent breakup. I would let the devices in my hands vibrate from left to right in sync with those bright green dots on the monitor for intervals of 30 seconds. She first asked me where on my body I physically felt the negative connotations associated with the breakup. I felt it in the pit of my stomach and as the holding-back-tears lump in my throat. I emotionally placed myself amidst the relationship’s breakup.

The bright green dots swallowed me up in a soothing trance for the first handful of intervals. I struggled to fully immerse myself in the depths of the breakup’s negativities. I sat there dumbfounded and skeptical about my inability to isolate one moment from my racing mind. Upon continuation, I was successful.

Unashamed, my calmly flowing tears turned into the full on consuming cry that stains your cheeks with black mascara. Phrases poured from my lips that I’ve never admitted before, probably not even to myself. I learned fast—addressing these things proved to be so valuable. I was coming to terms with my subconscious reality, self-reflecting, and putting any vulnerability to rest.

Younger me was stubborn beyond belief (alright, I’ll admit I’m still working on this). I was contempt in my mindset to never, ever turn to professional therapy and just bottle things up. Truth be told, that bottle comes uncorked without any permission or remorse. As younger me felt broken, absent and ashamed, she also felt that getting any sort of help confirmed sickness in a society that, at large, remains uncomfortable with the discussion of mental health. Nothing has struck me more than when I was nose-diving into rock bottom’s arms and heard someone say, “your feelings are acceptable, and whatever you’re feeling is valid.” It’s real. It’s human. It’s okay.

After expressing all of this heartbreak, I was told to shift to positivity. I’m pretty certain I mumbled, “thank God,” under my breath. While I was devastated by the breakup, I let my mind drift to shreds of happiness during those 30 second intervals. I felt a calm wash over me and focused on this new beginning of independence, as I’ve always struggled without the guidance and security of a significant other. I feel like more of myself now—more creative and willing to challenge myself. I may have lost something, but I also gained. I’m learning to be my own before I am anyone else’s. Being in my early twenties, I know that I have so much to look forward to.

After processing the positive effects of the breakup, she gave me a few examples of figurative containers to store all of those surfaced negativities in—something that can be set aside, but not forgotten. At first, the idea of a metaphoric object sitting in my mind seemed ridiculous. The more I thought about it, though, the more I understood its significance. I am now the proud owner of an imaginary locker. I picture one of the faded lockers from my high school sitting in the back of my mind patiently waiting to fill up as my sessions continue.

Although this was my first time experiencing EMDR, I think I could vouch for feeling at least some positive results. It has given me a sense of control over my mind’s nature to accept distress from an experience and cultivate rather enlightening ones. I’m more than eager to see whether different experiences will produce similar results and whether this is beneficial in the long term. For now, I will have faith in the EMDR process and continue to challenge the reduction of negativity from a troubled mind on the hunt for the roots of happiness.