I’ve thought about writing this article for a while now. I was very unsure if I wanted to share this experience with others, partly because I didn’t think people would understand and partly because I just didn’t like thinking about it that much. When I hear the word “rehab” the first words that come to my mind associating with it are “failure, loser, and weak” (side note: I really don’t want to offend anyone at any point in this article, these are just 100% my true feelings and obviously now I’ve learned otherwise). I mean, you can’t really blame me for thinking these things. The way social media portrays teens or individuals in rehab isn’t pretty or flattering in anyway. People that are in rehab are at the lowest of the low points in their lives and I always thought that I would never be a part of that group. I just didn’t. Obviously that all changed.
It took me two years to wake up from my daydream. Two years to come to a full realization that I was in some serious shit. Up until that moment I was in complete denial about my mental state. No way did I have an eating disorder. I didn’t throw up my food and I was certainly not anorexic, because I perceived myself on the heavier side of “running girls”, I wasn’t incredibly skinny. I just really liked food but I also really wanted to be skinny; to the point where that’s all I ever thought about, being skinny, eating, and losing weight. Even when I was having a conversation with someone or hanging out with my friends my body was there but my mind wasn’t. I’d be thinking about the last meal I ate, how many calories it had in it, how many calories I had to burn off to subtract that difference, and then what I was going to eat next; always making sure that what I was eating was healthy and would help me lose weight. These thoughts consumed me 24 hours a day. For a long period of time I would not let myself consume more than 800-900 calories per day while also running 7+ miles each day. I would hold this pattern throughout the school week, distracting myself with homework, but on the weekends when I had more time on my hands I’d completely fall apart. My mind would lose control of my body and I’d just eat everything that was in sight. No matter if it tasted good, if I wanted it or not. I was so hungry by this point that I would eat until it hurt. Until the point where I’d want to cry. During these binging episodes it was like I was no longer me anymore. Similar to being drunk, or high, anytime in which all your intuitions just drop. I literally would become a monster. Some people witnessed the beginnings of these episodes, but the majority of the time I would do it in private. I would wait until I was alone and then have a free for all. Then I’d feel so utterly ashamed of myself that I’d not allow myself to have any food the next day or severely restrict and start the whole process over again. I’d even run outside of practice, convincing myself it was for the athlete in me rather than the “ED” eating me.
So cut back to March of 2016 when I finally came to terms with my demons. I realized what I was doing wasn’t right and I didn’t want to be living in this personal hell I created for myself. I wanted to actually enjoy being with my friends without thinking about my weight, I wanted to be able to go through a single meal without thinking about how many damn calories I was consuming, and I wanted to see running as something other than weightless. I lost who I was through my eating disorder. It literally ate away the person I once was. I wanted her back. So in my lowest of lows I admitted myself to rehab. I requested full 24 hour stay because I wanted to get better as soon as possible and I just didn’t trust myself with less hourly care. I didn’t want to live with the devil inside of me anymore. But boy oh boy, did I not know what I was in for.
The first day was honestly one of the worst days of my life. I’m sitting in the lobby waiting to be shown to my room and am just stunned to see the amount of sick girls that are there- like really sick, like you can see their bones and everything sick- and immediately I was like “oh god I’m in the wrong place, I’m not sick enough to be here”. Within 5 minutes of sitting there I see one girl in a fetal position lying on the ground with her head tucked between her knees, but the most shocking part is everyone just walks on passed her, like this is nothing new and she obviously doesn’t need any help. A minute later a girl sits next to me wrapped in a blanket, looking not older than 15 (I later find out she’s 24) asks me about myself. I think, “finally someone is here to make me feel better”, but then she goes on talking about how she’s been in 5 different hospitals, telling me in-depth about her horrible experiences at each one and how horrible the staff treated her there, but she assured me this place was top of the line. Then before I can even process what she just said, another girl comes and sits across from us and just starts sobbing hysterically. At that moment, not even 15 minutes into my stay, I was ready to leave. Lol girl, you still have 30 more days of this to go.
The next couple of hours were filled with nonstop tears and discomfort. I had to watch as they went through all my bags taking away anything sharp that I could use to harm myself or others. I was only allowed to get my shaver, tweezers, etc twice a week at 6am-7:15am. They took away my laptop, my cell phone, anything I could use to communicate with the outside world. They even freaking took away my pimple medication because it contained alcohol as an ingredient and people could use that to do I don’t know what, get drunk or something, I don’t know, have a blast. Meal times were just as bad. I was given a tray with my food wrapped up. I had to raise my hand for a counselor to come watch me unwrap my food, hand her my garbage before I could eat. They then watched us like hawks throughout the whole meal making sure we weren’t hiding food in our pockets or throwing it on the ground or I don’t even know what. They repeated the same process when we were leaving; picking up our plates, shaking our cups, unraveling our napkins to make sure we finished 100% of our meal and weren’t hiding it anywhere. Multiple times, I was instructed to lick my knife clean of the smudge of peanut butter or eat the one remaining piece of lettuce on my plate because that was seen as an incompletion. A freaking piece of lettuce people. If we didn’t finish, you were forced to drink an ENSURE supplement, and if you refused even that you would eventually be put on a feeding tube. The tube was inserted through your naval cavity and stretched to your stomach. It was attached to a long pole that you had to carry around with you everywhere, similar to what you see with people in the hospital who have an IV. I also was stripped of my privileges to exercise, at all, period, none whatsoever. They watched how much I walked each day and if I went over the normal amount it was deemed as “over-exercising” and I could get even more privileges taken away from me.
A basic day at rehab was similar to taking classes at school. I attended multiple seminars discussing our emotional and physical discomforts. They were designed to help us overcome the demons living inside of us. I was assigned a therapist, psychologist, and nutritionist, who were all a part of my team and were focused to getting me better. I saw each of them roughly 1-2 times per week depending on need.
As with everything else they closely monitored our weights and vitals. Every morning they would make us get up at 4AM to get weighed, get our vitals checked, and occasionally receive a blood test. If our pulse or blood pressure was deemed too low they would force us to drink a full Gatorade, wait 10 minutes and then repeat the process. This happened to me every morning, because being an athlete my pulse has always been low, but what I was unaware of until now is that is also a side effect of eating disorders. So every morning I would get up at 4, down a miracle 16oz Gatorade as they referred it, and then get back to sleep roughly around 4:45 if I was lucky, only to be woken again at 8am for breakfast and repeat the whole cycle over again.
We were only granted phone privileges at certain hours of the day, in which we had to use a phone card to make any outgoing calls. We had to be in our rooms by 11pm. People that were diagnosed with bulimia weren’t even allowed bathroom privileges. The bathroom in their room was locked and the only way they could access it was if a counselor kept their foot in the door while they were doing their business.
Rehab was draining. I was so emotionally tired that even my body began to feel physical effects. They wanted us to find the root of the disorder which was inside of us. We were constantly asked to dig into the deepest and darkest parts of ourselves revealing our worst demons. Bringing to life the things that brought us the most pain. Exactly the opposite of what any of us wanted to think about let alone share with others. They wanted us to come face to face with our monsters and fight them every single damn hour of every single damn day. Can you understand why this was exhausting? On top of it all, it would bring many of us to tears multiple times a day because the pain was too strong and we didn’t feel like we could put up a fight anymore. It broke so many of us. I watched my friends as they suffered within themselves, feeling so incredibly hopeless because I could not help them win this fight. This was something they had to overcome on their own.
The things I witnessed in there are things that will stick with me my entire life. I won’t even mention half the things that I experienced just out of common courtesy of people’s privacy. They’re just not my stories to share. All I can share with you is what I went through in there. Every single day I was forced to face my worst demons. I struggled through every meal, every session, every hour. It was hell. I didn’t tell anybody where I was. I was too embarrassed. I didn’t think anyone would understand. I didn’t want people to think of me this way, as in “weak” or a “failure”. People always told me I was strong. Even there, the girls all told me how strong I was because they never saw me cry and that was because I saved all my tears for moments when I knew I was alone. I did not feel strong. I felt so incredibly weak, I didn’t feel that I could ever overcome this. Even weeks after I was released, I still felt the same feelings of despair and hopelessness. And if I’m going to be totally honest with you, I still experience some of those same feelings even today, months after my release. It will always be an uphill battle. It’s never going to be easy, but I sure as hell am not giving up anytime soon.
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25 Beatles Lyrics: Your Go-To Guide for Every Situation
The Best Lines from the Fab Four
22 April
43381
Wikipedia Commons
For as long as I can remember, I have been listening to The Beatles. Every year, my mom would appropriately blast “Birthday” on anyone’s birthday. I knew all of the words to “Back In The U.S.S.R” by the time I was 5 (Even though I had no idea what or where the U.S.S.R was). I grew up with John, Paul, George, and Ringo instead Justin, JC, Joey, Chris and Lance (I had to google N*SYNC to remember their names). The highlight of my short life was Paul McCartney in concert twice. I’m not someone to “fangirl” but those days I fangirled hard. The music of The Beatles has gotten me through everything. Their songs have brought me more joy, peace, and comfort. I can listen to them in any situation and find what I need. Here are the best lyrics from The Beatles for every and any occasion.
And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make
The End- Abbey Road, 1969
The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful and so are you
Dear Prudence- The White Album, 1968
Love is old, love is new, love is all, love is you
Because- Abbey Road, 1969
There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be
All You Need Is Love, 1967
Life is very short, and there's no time for fussing and fighting, my friend
We Can Work It Out- Rubber Soul, 1965
He say, "I know you, you know me", One thing I can tell you is you got to be free
Come Together- Abbey Road, 1969
Oh please, say to me, You'll let me be your man. And please say to me, You'll let me hold your hand
I Wanna Hold Your Hand- Meet The Beatles!, 1964
It was twenty years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play. They've been going in and out of style, but they're guaranteed to raise a smile
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band-1967
Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see
Strawberry Fields Forever- Magical Mystery Tour, 1967
Can you hear me? When it rains and shine, it's just a state of mind
Rain- Paperback Writer "B" side, 1966
Little darling, it's been long cold lonely winter. Little darling, it feels like years since it' s been here. Here comes the sun, Here comes the sun, and I say it's alright
Here Comes The Sun- Abbey Road, 1969
We danced through the night and we held each other tight, and before too long I fell in love with her. Now, I'll never dance with another when I saw her standing there
Saw Her Standing There- Please Please Me, 1963
I love you, I love you, I love you, that's all I want to say
Michelle- Rubber Soul, 1965
You say you want a revolution. Well you know, we all want to change the world
Revolution- The Beatles, 1968
All the lonely people, where do they all come from. All the lonely people, where do they all belong
Eleanor Rigby- Revolver, 1966
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
With A Little Help From My Friends- Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, 1967
Hey Jude, don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better
Hey Jude, 1968
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday
Yesterday- Help!, 1965
And when the brokenhearted people, living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be.
Let It Be- Let It Be, 1970
And anytime you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain. Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
Hey Jude, 1968
I'll give you all I got to give if you say you'll love me too. I may not have a lot to give but what I got I'll give to you. I don't care too much for money. Money can't buy me love
Can't Buy Me Love- A Hard Day's Night, 1964
All you need is love, love is all you need
All You Need Is Love- Magical Mystery Tour, 1967
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
Let It Be- Let It Be, 1970
Blackbird singing in the dead of night, Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird- The White Album, 1968
Though I know I'll never lose affection, for people and things that went before. I know I'll often stop and think about them. In my life, I love you more
In My Life- Rubber Soul, 1965
While these are my 25 favorites, there are quite literally 1000s that could have been included. The Beatles' body of work is massive and there is something for everyone. If you have been living under a rock and haven't discovered the Fab Four, you have to get musically educated. Stream them on Spotify, find them on iTunes or even buy a CD or record (Yes, those still exist!). I would suggest starting with 1, which is a collection of most of their #1 songs, or the 1968 White Album. Give them chance and you'll never look back.
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Featured
14 Invisible Activities: Unleash Your Inner Ghost!
Obviously the best superpower.
19 April
50073
The best superpower ever? Being invisible of course. Imagine just being able to go from seen to unseen on a dime. Who wouldn't want to have the opportunity to be invisible? Superman and Batman have nothing on being invisible with their superhero abilities. Here are some things that you could do while being invisible, because being invisible can benefit your social life too.
1. "Haunt" your friends.
Follow them into their house and cause a ruckus.
2. Sneak into movie theaters.
Going to the cinema alone is good for your mental health, says science
Going to the cinema alone is good for your mental health, says sciencewww.newstalk.com
Considering that the monthly cost of subscribing to a media-streaming service like Netflix is oft...
Free movies...what else to I have to say?
3. Sneak into the pantry and grab a snack without judgment.
Late night snacks all you want? Duh.
4. Reenact "Hollow Man" and play Kevin Bacon.
America's favorite son? And feel what it's like to be in a MTV Movie Award nominated film? Sign me up.
5. Wear a mask and pretend to be a floating head.
Just another way to spook your friends in case you wanted to.
6. Hold objects so they'll "float."
"Oh no! A floating jar of peanut butter."
7. Win every game of hide-and-seek.
Just stand out in the open and you'll win.
8. Eat some food as people will watch it disappear.
Even everyday activities can be funny.
9. Go around pantsing your friends.
Even pranks can be done; not everything can be good.
10. Not have perfect attendance.
You'll say here, but they won't see you...
11. Avoid anyone you don't want to see.
Whether it's an ex or someone you hate, just use your invisibility to slip out of the situation.
12. Avoid responsibilities.
Chores? Invisible. People asking about social life? Invisible. Family being rude? Boom, invisible.
13. Be an expert on ding-dong-ditch.
Never get caught and have the adrenaline rush? I'm down.
14. Brag about being invisible.
Be the envy of the town.
But don't, I repeat, don't go in a locker room. Don't be a pervert with your power. No one likes a Peeping Tom.
Good luck, folks.
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Student Life
19 Lessons I'll Never Forget from Growing Up In a Small Town
There have been many lessons learned.
12 April
32790
Photo by Alev Takil on Unsplash
Small towns certainly have their pros and cons. Many people who grow up in small towns find themselves counting the days until they get to escape their roots and plant new ones in bigger, "better" places. And that's fine. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought those same thoughts before too. We all have, but they say it's important to remember where you came from. When I think about where I come from, I can't help having an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my roots. Being from a small town has taught me so many important lessons that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
1. The importance of traditions.
Sometimes traditions seem like a silly thing, but the fact of it is that it's part of who you are. You grew up this way and, more than likely, so did your parents. It is something that is part of your family history and that is more important than anything.
women in street dancing Photo by sydney Rae on Unsplash
2. How to be thankful for family and friends.
No matter how many times they get on your nerves or make you mad, they are the ones who will always be there and you should never take that for granted.
man and woman standing in front of louver door Photo by Lucas Lenzi on Unsplash
3. How to give back.
When tragedy strikes in a small town, everyone feels obligated to help out because, whether directly or indirectly, it affects you too. It is easy in a bigger city to be able to disconnect from certain problems. But in a small town those problems affect everyone.
man in black t-shirt holding coca cola bottle Photo by Joel Muniz on Unsplash
4. What the word "community" really means.
Along the same lines as #3, everyone is always ready and willing to lend a helping hand when you need one in a small town and to me that is the true meaning of community. It's working together to build a better atmosphere, being there to raise each other up, build each other up, and pick each other up when someone is in need. A small town community is full of endless support whether it be after a tragedy or at a hometown sports game. Everyone shows up to show their support.
red and white coca cola signage Photo by John Cameron on Unsplash
5. That it isn't about the destination, but the journey.
People say this to others all the time, but it takes on a whole new meaning in a small town. It is true that life is about the journey, but when you're from a small town, you know it's about the journey because the journey probably takes longer than you spend at the destination. Everything is so far away that it is totally normal to spend a couple hours in the car on your way to some form of entertainment. And most of the time, you're gonna have as many, if not more, memories and laughs on the journey than at the destination.
man holding luggage photo Photo by Mantas Hesthaven on Unsplash
6. The consequences of making bad choices.
Word travels fast in a small town, so don't think you're gonna get away with anything. In fact, your parents probably know what you did before you even have a chance to get home and tell them. And forget about being scared of what your teacher, principle, or other authority figure is going to do, you're more afraid of what your parents are gonna do when you get home.
topless boy in blue denim jeans riding red bicycle during daytime Photo by Jackson Simmer on Unsplash
7. To trust people, until you have a reason not to.
Everyone deserves a chance. Most people don't have ill-intentions and you can't live your life guarding against every one else just because a few people in your life have betrayed your trust.
trust spelled with wooden letter blocks on a table Photo by Ronda Dorsey on Unsplash
8. To be welcoming and accepting of everyone.
While small towns are not always extremely diverse, they do contain people with a lot of different stories, struggle, and backgrounds. In a small town, it is pretty hard to exclude anyone because of who they are or what they come from because there aren't many people to choose from. A small town teaches you that just because someone isn't the same as you, doesn't mean you can't be great friends.
Everyone is Welcome signage Photo by Katie Moum on Unsplash
9. How to be my own, individual person.
In a small town, you learn that it's okay to be who you are and do your own thing. You learn that confidence isn't how beautiful you are or how much money you have, it's who you are on the inside.
man with cap and background with red and pink wall l Photo by Andre Hunter on Unsplash
10. How to work for what I want.
Nothing comes easy in life. They always say "gardens don't grow overnight" and if you're from a small town you know this both figuratively and literally. You certainly know gardens don't grow overnight because you've worked in a garden or two. But you also know that to get to the place you want to be in life it takes work and effort. It doesn't just happen because you want it to.
difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations desk decor Photo by Nik on Unsplash
11. How to be great at giving directions.
If you're from a small town, you know that you will probably only meet a handful of people in your life who ACTUALLY know where your town is. And forget about the people who accidentally enter into your town because of google maps. You've gotten really good at giving them directions right back to the interstate.
photography of woman pointing her finger near an man Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash
12. How to be humble.
My small town has definitely taught me how to be humble. It isn't always about you, and anyone who grows up in a small town knows that. Everyone gets their moment in the spotlight, and since there's so few of us, we're probably best friends with everyone so we are as excited when they get their moment of fame as we are when we get ours.
closeup photography of woman smiling Photo by Michael Dam on Unsplash
13. To be well-rounded.
Going to a small town high school definitely made me well-rounded. There isn't enough kids in the school to fill up all the clubs and sports teams individually so be ready to be a part of them all.
a man doing a trick on a skateboard Photo by Ruben Christen on Unsplash
14. How to be great at conflict resolution.
In a small town, good luck holding a grudge. In a bigger city you can just avoid a person you don't like or who you've had problems with. But not in a small town. You better resolve the issue fast because you're bound to see them at least 5 times a week.
two men talking Photo by LinkedIn Sales Solutions on Unsplash
15. The beauty of getting outside and exploring.
One of my favorite things about growing up in a rural area was being able to go outside and go exploring and not have to worry about being in danger. There is nothing more exciting then finding a new place somewhere in town or in the woods and just spending time there enjoying the natural beauty around you.
running man on bridge Photo by Fabio Comparelli on Unsplash
16. To be prepared for anything.
You never know what may happen. If you get a flat tire, you better know how to change it yourself because you never know if you will be able to get ahold of someone else to come fix it. Mechanics might be too busy, or more than likely you won't even have enough cell service to call one.
orange white and black bag Photo by Mathurin NAPOLY / matnapo on Unsplash
17. That you don't always have to do it alone.
It's okay to ask for help. One thing I realized when I moved away from my town for college, was how much my town has taught me that I could ask for help is I needed it. I got into a couple situations outside of my town where I couldn't find anyone to help me and found myself thinking, if I was in my town there would be tons of people ready to help me. And even though I couldn't find anyone to help, you better believe I wasn't afraid to ask.
girl sitting on gray rocks Photo by George Bakos on Unsplash
18. How to be creative.
When you're at least an hour away from normal forms of entertainment such as movie theaters and malls, you learn to get real creative in entertaining yourself. Whether it be a night looking at the stars in the bed of a pickup truck or having a movie marathon in a blanket fort at home, you know how to make your own good time.
assorted-color painted wall with painting materials Photo by Matthieu Comoy on Unsplash
19. To brush off gossip.
It's all about knowing the person you are and not letting others influence your opinion of yourself. In small towns, there is plenty of gossip. But as long as you know who you really are, it will always blow over.
three women sitting on brown wooden bench Photo by Ben White on Unsplash
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Relationships
Grateful Beyond Words: A Letter to My Inspiration
I have never been so thankful to know you.
01 April
306381
nappy.co
I can't say "thank you" enough to express how grateful I am for you coming into my life. You have made such a huge impact on my life. I would not be the person I am today without you and I know that you will keep inspiring me to become an even better version of myself.
You have taught me that you don't always have to strong. You are allowed to break down as long as you pick yourself back up and keep moving forward. When life had you at your worst moments, you allowed your friends to be there for you and to help you. You let them in and they helped pick you up. Even in your darkest hour you showed so much strength. I know that you don't believe in yourself as much as you should but you are unbelievably strong and capable of anything you set your mind to.
Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash
Your passion to make a difference in the world is unbelievable. You put your heart and soul into your endeavors and surpass any personal goal you could have set. Watching you do what you love and watching you make a difference in the lives of others is an incredible experience. The way your face lights up when you finally realize what you have accomplished is breathtaking and I hope that one day I can have just as much passion you have.
SEE MORE: A Letter To My Best Friend On Her Birthday
The love you have for your family is outstanding. Watching you interact with loved ones just makes me smile. You are so comfortable and you are yourself. I see the way you smile when you are around family and I wish I could see you smile like this everyday. You love with all your heart and this quality is something I wished I possessed.
Photo by Kadyn Pierce on Unsplash
You inspire me to be the best version of myself. I look up to you. I feel that more people should strive to have the strength and passion that you exemplify in everyday life.You may be stubborn at points but when you really need help you let others in, which shows strength in itself. I have never been more proud to know someone and to call someone my role model. You have taught me so many things and I want to thank you. Thank you for inspiring me in life. Thank you for making me want to be a better person.
Photo by Courtney Hedger on Unsplash
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Student Life
Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!
Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.
14 March
107436
StableDiffusion
Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.
This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.
Don't freak out
This is a rule you should continue to follow no matter what you do in life, but is especially helpful in this situation.
Email the professor
Around this time, professors are getting flooded with requests from students wanting to get into full classes. This doesn't mean you shouldn't burden them with your email; it means they are expecting interested students to email them. Send a short, concise message telling them that you are interested in the class and ask if there would be any chance for you to get in.
Attend the first class
people sitting on chair in front of computerOften, the advice professors will give you when they reply to your email is to attend the first class. The first class isn't the most important class in terms of what will be taught. However, attending the first class means you are serious about taking the course and aren't going to give up on it.
Keep attending class
Every student is in the same position as you are. They registered for more classes than they want to take and are "shopping." For the first couple of weeks, you can drop or add classes as you please, which means that classes that were once full will have spaces. If you keep attending class and keep up with assignments, odds are that you will have priority. Professors give preference to people who need the class for a major and then from higher to lower class year (senior to freshman).
Have a backup plan
For two weeks, or until I find out whether I get into my waitlisted class, I will be attending more than the usual number of classes. This is so that if I don't get into my waitlisted class, I won't have a credit shortage and I won't have to fall back in my backup class. Chances are that enough people will drop the class, especially if it is very difficult like computer science, and you will have a chance. In popular classes like art and psychology, odds are you probably won't get in, so prepare for that.
Remember that everything works out at the end
Life is full of surprises. So what if you didn't get into the class you wanted? Your life obviously has something else in store for you. It's your job to make sure you make the best out of what you have.
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