“Hockey is a very close-knit sport, and the team that is willing to lay it out on the line for the guy next to them may not always be the champion at the end of the day, but this makes a true impact in every member of the team's lives. As long as a gay player was open and upfront about how he feels, but is focused on hockey, when the time calls for it, then the respect will be there." – Nate Phillips (Former Michigan State Goaltender – now Director of Hockey Operations at Bowling Green State University)
As honest people, we cannot circumvent the evident myth that says the two facets of homosexuality and sport are incompatible and not able to operate, nor function properly in unison.
However, such mantra is erroneous and I am living proof of it.
From East to West and North to South, I have been fortunate enough to travel the North American continent playing hockey. In the duration for which I played, I met amazing people I now consider brethren and with that – lessons that I'll forever carry with me for the rest of my life.
Hockey is unlike any other sport, especially at elite levels such as AAA, juniors, college and so forth. The sport's whole operation for which kids move halfway around the country to play on another team, attend different high schools and billet with a host family is un-challenged. Adding a strenuous travel schedule to the plate alongside all the adversities of the game and you have a rich recipe that would breed family brotherhood that no other sport could come remotely close to holding a candle to – surely a theme that will be very important in the conclusion of this article.
Hockey is one of the toughest, gruesome sports ever invented. It is littered full of athletes who are tenacious and driven – who rise to the occasion to bring clout. It is in the nature of the game to be aggressive, defensive and assertive. With that being said, it isn't seen as an arena or sport in which homosexuals could be found – for it is too tough and mean to seemingly co-inside with people's stereotypes of gays being weak, scrawny, feminine and fairy-esque.
Any time there is such talk about gay athletes in sports, the same skeptical argument appears in which people wrongly suggest that the locker room would be a breeding ground for the homosexual athlete as if it was nothing but a mere peep hole of a fantasized pornography gig. While the point may conventionally have some relevance, it is argued with dogma and fails to survey the whole paradigm for which it thinks. As noted earlier, hockey – more than any other sport, establishes a bond of brotherhood with its badge being the jersey. Under one badge lies family and in that family, I can absolutely, one hundred percent assure you that the homosexual athlete would not dare peek upon their brother with salacious taste or appeal to the point in which we are made to believe – for it is true incest.
Not to mention, homosexual athletes already exist, but they are not openly labeled as so. I was one of those athletes. Since I was 11, I played hockey and in doing so, grinded with remarkable athletes from all over the globe out of love of the game until I was 18-years-old. Of course with that brought all of the 'intimate' experiences (not used in a romantic or loving way) I shared with my team mates – even the most nude moments such as showering and bunking with another team mate in the same bed – sometimes amusingly naked. I can honestly say that I never once got off on such things and never did my homosexuality come to light in the matter of me becoming openly aroused or turned on in such naked moments. My team mates were my brothers and although they contained the parts I never asked to be attracted to – I saw them anyway. The sights only did one thing for me and that was their confirming of what I found sexually attractive: men. Surely desires that I - at the time thought were sick, sad, wrong and immoral. I again, can promise you though that I never had insatiable taste for them, because they were family, not mere dudes in passing.
In my final years of playing hockey, I was fortunate enough to play at the most elite level for my age group in 18U AAA. Hailing from arguably the nations biggest, most in-depth hotbed of players and talent – I jumped ship around on a few teams in Michigan. Ironically, the last team I made and began playing with was very well known for its powerhouse status as it was always viewed as a feeding tube that ushered players into the nations most elite junior leagues – on to Division One. That team, with a reputation that spoke in and of itself was Victory Honda. At the time of which I was playing, our team was ranked #1 in the nation and as early in the season as it was – teammates of mine were already being eyed and plucked for next year's junior leagues.
Sadly, my story went a little different. Like my counterparts – I spent my whole life living and breathing the game. I practically spent my whole entire childhood and adolescent years in the car traveling and in the rink sweating, so, like they, I could reach my childhood dream of playing college hockey one day - preferably at one of Michigan's major universities, as I grew up going to all of the games I could. While only two jumps away from reaching that attainable dream of playing division one, new revelations came to light in my life and changed everything.
I knew since I was 13 that there was something extremely different about me. As locker room chatter got underway, it was evident that what I was sexually attracted to and dreamt about when I went through puberty, didn't match my team mates rogue talk and their craving for girls. Without going into depth on my family and its dynamics, nor the culture of my family and its societal values, lets just say that I never dare thought to admit what I, at the time, thought was the most disgusting abnormality ever. In order to hide and shy away from my secret, I did my best to participate in the manly mantra of masculinity by partaking in the braggadocios way of talking about doing sexual acts with females. It was all a lie and a fad to protect what I thought would be my life – literal and figurative.
Skipping a multitude of events, part of the veil I used to hide behind would be torn off when I reached 18. As a senior in high school with only a month left till graduation, my best friends from high school pieced together my life's biggest, darkest secret. In result, confusion would set in and swirl around like a hurricane. At the time, it was my life's most painful moment in which loads of tears from not only myself, but my best friends, would shed to the ground. It was an intimate moment of learning that we all, at that time, lay brunt. As time went on, I began to lighten up around the select few that knew. It was as if a gigantic weight was lifted off my shoulders. Freedom, like never experienced before, would refreshingly wash over me and give me new life. However, when I went to practice and games, I never experienced that freedom because I felt that I still had to live a lie in order to survive in what I perceived at the time to be a playground of anarchy in the battle to make it to the next level. For the first time in my life, it wasn't a level in which I wanted to pursue any longer. I urge you reading to place yourself in my shoes and imagine the feeling of being able to be your absolute, fun self around people who accepted you and knew that you were gay, but then having to revert back to a lie to continue in the sport that occupied your entire life.
As I stepped out of the closet to certain people, I began to validate and accept that this was the hand of cards that my life had been dealt. Now, two major hurdles would stand in my path: 1. Coming out to my team (which I knew would be disastrous) and 2. Coming out to my family (which I know would be disastrous). Although there were other minor details that contributed to what would be my next decision, I decided to line out number one and do something I had never done before: QUIT.
In doing so, I shocked not only myself but my family, my friends, and my team mates – all who saw my potential in knowing that I had the grit and the guts that were needed to make it to the next level.
However, now 22-years-old, knowing what I know now, I perhaps would have stuck it out. Since I was 18, I have been able to experience what its like being an openly gay man and athlete at that. Since then, I have shared a loving relationship with another male for two years and was able to taste how that operated in the face of the public sphere in congruence with my family and friends: it wasn't any different. In my five years of being out of the closet, I have seen first hand what its like to live authentically in the face of adversity and pain. In those five years I have reached a pinnacle in life fulfillment. Albeit I still struggle with certain dynamics of the homosexual condition, I have never felt so enlightened, free and happy. Having been permitted in experiencing what it means to be my true self, I wish I would have been able to experience that as an athlete in the hockey arena because I truly think it would have allowed me to take my game to the next level by unshackling me from the lie that would bound me down and refrain me from true enjoyment of the game. If I had just been honest with my brothers, I would have flourished much more as an athlete and person. Instead, I kept it secret and as a result, suffocated my soul, extinguishing the passion for the game within, because I, at the time, saw the two facets of my sexual orientation and sport as incompatible. However, now out and seeing my old teammates react, it wouldn't have been a big deal at all.
Admittedly, I understand the nature of the game. There is no question that players chirp one another and use derogatory language containing slang gay terms. But now, currently in the position of being out and someone who uses the same derogatory language, I would laugh and enjoy it all much more and not take it so personal and hurtful as I once did. I would bet money on it now, that being honest with my teammates would not have destroyed my bond with them, but deepened it.
As I mentioned earlier, the jersey is but a badge signifying brotherhood. Under that badge is something bigger than self: TEAM. More than any other sport and evident through the prevalent fights that take place, brothers under the badge love one another, defend one another and stick up for one another. Looking back now, I am disappointed that I didn't realize that at the time. With that being said, I recognize at the time that my perception was warped. Looking back, a lot of the relationships I shared with some of my team mates were superficial because of the looming cloud that was always floating over my head and preventing me from being authentic and able to truly grow with those people.
Now, as a senior in college, watching my old teammates play at the top programs of college hockey, I figured I would get their take on having a gay team mate and how they think themselves and their team would react. What I found was staggering:
“I would not assess a gay teammate any differently from the rest of my teammates. Someone's sexuality would have no effect on the way for which I would approach him. If anything, I would respect a teammate more who openly states he was gay. I do not think it is something he should be ashamed of and I believe, at least on the teams I have played on, the rest of the team would support him as well. I think that if he felt uncomfortable around the guys because he was keeping it a secret, then that would cause more awkwardness, jokes and skepticism than if he would be honest." – Josh Lammon, So. at Mercyhurst University.
“Recently making the transition from player to coach, I still have two mindsets on how to approach this. As a player I would simply approach them and tell the player that he has my respect and that as long as he is playing the game of hockey for the same reason as we all are than we will always have his back. I see this as no different than any other player on the team though, I would say this to any player who does not consider themselves gay. Hockey players are hockey players in my mind. As a coach, I would be sure to make sure that this player feels comfortable in the locker-room environment. I would demand that there would be respect from the team, and that this player respects the other players back. Like I said, this is no different than how I would treat other players." – Nate Phillips
