Breakups have always been easy for me. I was always considered “the guy” in the relationship and did not seem to dwell on too much when it came to heartbreak. That was true until I met the boy who I thought was the one. By “the one,” I meant the boy I was going to marry and with whom I was going to start a family and spend the rest of my life. This never rang true. Turns out, he was the one that allowed me to feel the presence of God for the first time in my life.
I grew up spiritually confused. With a family with no set religion, it was my job to explore and decide for myself what I wanted to believe. College seemed like the perfect opportunity to do this since I was finally able to experience as much religion and spirituality as possible without outside influence from my family. There was one thing I was completely sure of: there was some higher power that has gotten me through all of my hardships in life. I believed in something.
Then, there was the boy. A very religious boy who inspired me with his passion for his faith and his love for God. I didn’t realize or appreciate enough that every day I was falling more and more in love with him and who I was becoming. If that boy is reading this, thank you for changing me for the better and inspiring me to look harder for hope and optimism. You will forever be responsible for saving my life in all of the future obstacles that I will face. Not you directly, but because you helped me find God.
The boy and I did not work out. I made a mistake and lost the one thing that I thought I needed in my life. I was so extremely wrong. As someone who usually is able to brush a breakup off and get back into my routine of life, it was strange for me to feel so much heartbreak. I thought I lost a best friend, a partner, a fellow Star Wars enthusiast and jalapeno lover but failed to acknowledge that I gained so much more.
As an outlet, I began to journal. I began to record down quotes that I heard throughout the day that really impacted me, song lyrics that related to my emotions for the day and even Bible quotes to push for more faith in my life because I knew at this low point, it’s what I really needed.
I was writing a letter to him in my journal, not one that he would ever see, and started discussing how the way I saw his perfection has shifted from the time we were together to now. At first, it was all about his characteristics and his love for me. Every day, he helped me feel beautiful and see that I needed to love myself more to prove my self-worth. Towards the end of our relationship, I grew so confident and began to realize that the more he loved me, the more I loved myself and the less I needed him to love me.
That is when I realized the perfection I see in him now was a result of the fact that he made more capacity for the growing perfection in me. He could no longer help me increase my self-love. He already did his job, and because of that, I was falling more out of love with him and more in love with who I was becoming. That being said, I knew deep down that there had to be someone else out there who would help me continue on this journey of falling completely head over heels in love with myself.
This is when I froze before I wrote the last sentence in my journal entry.
“God would not put the person I’m meant to be with in my life if I didn’t completely love myself yet.”
Typing it still gives me the chills. I felt the hairs on my arms stand up, my spine warmed downwards and I felt so infinitely happy inside myself. I knew it was Him.
So to wrap this up, my ex was not the one who I’m going to marry. He is not the one I will spend the rest of my life with. He is not the one who will be there 'til death do us part. As much as the idea of a forever person was exciting, I grew to accept that it wasn't realistic at the moment. He is the one who allowed me to first feel God, and that, to me, is just as special.