Dear Depression,

Why do you always have to show up at the worst time and make me rethink my whole life, my whole purpose? You feel the need to disrupt anything good in life and remind me of the darkness that I suffer. You are ready for a battle with your armor on while I sit in the corner crying. You find your way to creep into my mind and remind me of all of the bad things I have experienced. Why is there a need to show up? Sometimes I wish I could just rid myself of this burden that is weighing down on my shoulders.

It seems that whenever I am not ready to battle my depression is when it comes out of the shadows and attacks. I am never ready for it, but that is what depression does. It is a sleeping dragon that has been woken up and is ready to destroy. The flames take over my brain and I am left with the ruins. I try to laugh and I try to smile but nothing happens. My mom even tries to help but it is useless—I am already damaged.

Some say that depression can be cured, but I have battled it enough to know that it is a lie. Depression is something that I will live with for the rest of my life. It will be the voice in the back of my head waiting for the perfect time to come out and ruin everything. The rain clouds will come and hang over my head just pouring down negative thoughts over my head.

Not only must I battle the fearsome dragon of my depression, but I have to deal with the other shadows that come with it. I get the voices in my head again telling me to self-harm, or that my life is not worth it anymore. These voices constantly yelling at you to end it. You never know how easy life is to end until the voices start telling you the ways to do it.

I hate having depression and I wish that I could get rid of it. I hate looking around me and seeing so many people being happy and smiling. It's not fair. Why do I have to be cursed? How can I cure this? The answer is no, there is no cure, no matter what some people think. The only thing I can do is take medicine that makes the depression dragon take a nap and let me out of its grasps for a few hours or days.

I can go days, even weeks, without having to deal with my depression and then it just comes back out of nowhere bringing worry with it. There is hardly ever a reason why my depression has decided to strike at that very moment. I wish I knew why half the time, because then maybe I might be able to make myself feel better. But sometimes I get hit with questioning my life and my future along with my depression. Nothing is ever easy when it hits.

I wear a mask when it does hit and only those who know me best can tell. But depression, please let me have some time when I am not suffering. I just need a few days of being happy. Take a break, please. I don't want to deal with this right now.

Sincerely,

The girl who you are torturing