I was asleep for two or three days. I was woken up occasionally by my parents to go to the bathroom and get some fluids, but for a couple days of my life, I slept.
My story of suicide attempt is not unordinary. Many people struggle with thoughts of suicide, adults, teens, and kids alike. Due to the increasing talk of depression and suicide I have been hearing, I have decide to open up about my struggle and attempt, in hopes that it will encourage others to help prevent suicide or considerations.
Ever since fifth grade, I have struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide. At certain points, the thoughts were more present than at others. However, the beginning of sophomore year, they were getting increasingly overpowering. I had sought help and I thought I was okay - that the amount of thoughts I was having was normal - but around April of my sophomore year, the straw that broke the camel's back was placed on top of everything else. On a Friday night, I received a text from someone who had been harassing me for a while, and I decided that on top of hating myself so much and living with these thoughts for years, it was time. I took my prescribed pills in a massive amount. 3,320 milligrams of medicine was put into my body at once. I sat in my bed for a couple minutes crying and dealing with all the different thoughts flooding into my brain, and my mom found out after talking to me. She rushed me to the hospital. On the way to the hospital, I kept falling asleep, and my mom wouldn't let me sleep. By the time I got to the hospital, I could barely walk. I was dizzy and my limbs weren't working right. They wheeled me into the hospital for treatment. I don't remember much. I kept falling asleep, but I remember the IV in my arm, my mom constantly shaking me to keep me up, and the agitation I felt from both. Around 3 AM, we were able to leave and I finally could sleep. I slept until around Sunday night. On Sunday night, I woke up just long enough to discuss the whole situation with my parents and realize that maybe I had lived for a reason. I was determined to go back to school on Monday. If I hadn't, I didn't know if I ever could again. I needed to face my fears and stop being afraid of people at school. I also came to the realization that I needed to love myself. If others decided to hate me, that was their choice, but I had to learn to love myself again. When I was a young child, I never really worried about if I loved myself or not, but as I grew older, I started to hear what others said about me, and what my flaws were. I started to put those words into my head and believe them. I quickly fell out of love with who God had made me to be. After my suicide attempt,I focused on what made me want to live rather than what made me want to die. I created a list of things that I found worth living for - some silly, some serious, and all reflecting the beauty of life.
Around the same time that I had attempted to take my life, I heard the song, "Fight Song." I listened to that song and started crying. All the reasons on my list became my fight song, and there is some room for more because there are always more to be added. Sometimes it's a name, sometimes it's a memory, and sometimes it's a hope for the future.
The list still hangs on my wall two or more years later, and when I am struggling, I read it and think of how far I have come. Some days are harder than others, but every day I can see something that has made me smile through the pain.
For those struggling with overwhelming thoughts, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise. You just have to believe and find reasons to fight against those thoughts. Our reasons may be the same or they could vary. Whatever they are, remind yourself. When you find yourself in the midst of a hard time, remind yourself of the beauty of life.
Looking back, I have come so far, but it doesn't mean I don't struggle. It doesn't mean I love everything about myself. It's a journey. However, I am learning to love who I am created to be, and I am seeing just how beautiful all the moments of life are.
If you're reading this and struggle as well, I hope it can encourage you to fight. It gets better, so make sure you're around to see it.
Someone Who Has Been There