Depression is described as a mental condition which is characterized by feelings of severe despondency and dejection, but I would describe it as a force that makes you feel as if you have a constant weight on your shoulders and your inner functions are slowly being run down.
At the age of thirteen I was diagnosed with depression and it was not an easy thing. It's difficult to deal with losing all feelings and placing yourself into a state of mind that's hard to escape; it's a constant battle between happiness and feeling the need to make it another day. I've been through it all; I've had my random episodes of outburst crying and unnecessary anger, I've sat in tightly spaced rooms and ranted about my thoughts to a human who only likes to ask "how does that makes you feel", and I've been prescribed to a variation of medications. I became extremely exasperated with the feeling of being divergent, with having to repeat how I'm feeling 4-5x a week (because quite honestly, I always felt the same and nothing was changing), and with waking up to consuming three pills and going to bed consuming three pills as well.
One day, I woke up and couldn't handle my depression anymore. I was tired of feeling so detached from the world and I was tired of repeating the continuous cycle of watching what I eat, popping pills, and spilling my thoughts every single day. I decided to discontinue attending therapy and taking medication. I decided the time had come where I needed to begin detoxifying my thoughts. I became fully aware that majority of what consumed my depression were my dismissive thoughts; I am the one who has control of how I feel and I am the one who has control of what I allow to break me down and build me back up. You see here, I played a lot of mind games with myself. I told myself I wasn't good enough, I told myself I was a revolting and undeserving human, I told myself I didn't deserve to live, and I told myself there wasn't a purpose for me on Earth. I was controlling the negativity, not anyone else. I had to have a personal awaking and realize there is more to life than sitting in an empty room repeating the same thoughts over and over again to myself. There is so much to live for and I needed to get out there and explore. I discovered pure buoyancy by surrounding myself with things that brought me joy and I slowly became healthy and improved my well-being, while falling in love with myself all over again. A few things that tended to help me were going for a run while blaring music that made me feel good, and going for a drive with the windows down and feeling the breeze upon my skin. This act allowed me to free and purify my hateful thoughts while creating healthier and more uplifting ones.
In a sense, I self-medicated myself and not many whom have disorders can physiologically do that. But despite my "self -medicating" there was one major factor that contributed to me becoming healthy again and it was falling in love with Jesus through it all. God's creation surrounds us and he has given us the free will to explore it, or abuse it. I explored it and let it fill my heart and I can honestly say there has not been a day, since I gave my life to Jesus, where I haven't felt the overwhelming abundance of joy. I found my purpose in life through Him and discovered his guidance that gave me a new perspective on life.
"For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago" Ephesians 2:10 NLT
I realized we allow the Evil in the world to consume us, which is what brings such hatred. If you give your broken inner-being to God, he will amend it. I have been set free from depression for over a year now, and I give all credit to the One who has loved me from the beginning.
