Take one: I'm sitting in my doctor's office, waiting for an answer. I have been suffering headaches in the morning for the past few months. The doctor tells me he's prescribing me something for my anxiety. I am in middle school. I am wondering why I need to take medication to help me adjust. I am wondering why I can't be "normal." I feel alone.
Take two: I am creating ridiculous scenarios in my head every day. They are made up of a hundred reasons someone could leave me, and a hundred more about all the things that could go wrong if I went to that party.
Take three: I am applying to colleges. I need to call the admissions office to set up an interview. I am downstairs in the basement, cradling my cell phone in my hands. It takes me forty minutes to get up the nerve to call. When the phone goes to voicemail, I forget half of what I am supposed to say and stumble through my sentences.
Take four: I hate orientation week.
Take five: I do not raise my hand in class for fear of always having the wrong answer. I want my professors to know I am engaged in what they are saying, but that it is difficult for me to verbalize. I am afraid my peers think I am not smart enough for the class.
Take six, seven, eight, nine, and ten: This is something that does not go away. This is not "all in my head." It is not something I will get over. And it is most definitely not "cute." It is not cute to have a disorder that holds you back from opportunities. It is not cute to fail because you are too afraid to speak up. It is not cute to think that everybody hates you, or that everybody thinks poorly of you. Anxiety disorders are not cute.
My anxiety is not something I often talk about publicly, though it has played a key role in the person that I have become. I am talking about it now because as a sophomore in college, I have had to start thinking about internships and studying abroad. I will admit -- the process has been stressful. Sending in an application to an extremely competitive program, having to ask people if I could list them as my references are all things I have immense difficulty doing. Anxiety has created a lot of self-doubt that has led me to believe that I can't achieve things. (Things that, deep down, I know I am most definitely capable of achieving.)
I am coming out to the world as a person with anxiety, not for pity, but to offer personal support to those who struggle with the same things I struggle with every day. I am constantly trying to erase my anxiety -- to not let it be a part of who I am. But here's the thing: It is. It always will be. My goal is to take my anxiety and not work against it, but rather, as a close friend once told me, lean into it.
This is for everyone who is dealing with an anxiety disorder. This is for my middle-school self, who thought she was alone. This is for all the kids who are afraid to order at restaurants. This is for everyone who has a hard time calling people on the phone.
And most of all, this is for all the people who think our anxiety is "cute." This is for all the people who think it's a joke. This is for all the people who don't think we stand a chance in this world.
For those people, this is what I have to say: We are strong. We are brave. And we are all going to become something someday that is so much bigger than our illness.
