Scared. Confused. Sick.
I remember these feelings, and the series of events that caused them so vividly, as if they just
happened weeks ago. Yet, it has been over five years since I received the diagnosis
that changed my life. I was sixteen going on seventeen when I had the episode
that led to my Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis. Though, I would be lying if I said
that was where my story began…
December 2010 and January 2011 were rough months. December brought a migraine
that lasted three weeks without ceasing. No amount of medication could make it
lessen or go away. The worst part? No one understood why. I was getting ready
to leave to compete in a singing and acting competition on the other side of
the country when they figured out a plan of action. To rule out a brain tumor
they decided to do a MRI and I had to wait until I returned from the competition
to receive my results. My parents and I walked into the room at the Neurologist
and took a seat. He said they had found white matter lesions in my brain
tissue. There were several of these in
my brain, and it was explained to me that, although they looked as if they could
be indicative of Multiple Sclerosis, a diagnosis could not be given until more
symptoms were seen.
Fast forward to the beginning of May 2011. I was in a musical and had just
returned from a trip to the beach when chaos struck. I declined quickly,
starting with another migraine accompanied by weakness and lightheadedness, which
later led to severe fatigue and dizziness. The next day I had completely lost
peripheral vision in both eyes. And the day after that, the left side of my face was
paralyzed. I was taken to the emergency room where they decided to transfer me
to a larger hospital and start me on a seven day IV steroid drip. I was lying
in a hospital bed at sixteen years old when I heard the words “You have
Multiple Sclerosis.”
In that moment I questioned so many things: What would my
new normal be? Would I ever feel like a kid again? How was this going to affect
me day to day? As time went on living with MS became my new normal. I was not
like the other kids at school. They did not understand. Sometimes they would
belittle me and tell me that how I felt was invalid, and that hurt. Missing
tremendous amounts of class became a weekly struggle. Then things started to
feel different, but in a weird way I felt kind of at peace with it. I realized
that my new normal was not normal at all, and somehow I was okay with that. I
went on to start a community outreach program, called Make the Sun Shine, that
lasted throughout the rest of high school; it was used to let people know that
they were not alone no matter what struggle they were facing. I graduated high
school Summa Cum Laude after missing over 150 days cumulatively between my
junior and senior years.
Chronic Illness comes with a choice: sit down and surrender, or stand up and
fight. Then at 16 and now at 22, I refuse to give in and let this ruin my
life. I have been faced with many more chronic diagnoses since I obtained my
Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis (that is a story for a different day), but in the
face of more problems all I can do is search for the positives. I woke up this
morning with a heart that is beating out of my chest with passion for life. I
am blessed with the gifts of empathy and understanding, because I have dealt with
so many struggles with my health, both physical and mental. I cannot help but
be grateful for all of the struggles I have faced because they have showed me
that I am so much stronger than I ever could have imagined.
Do you want to know something?
You are strong too. Do not give up. You can do this. You can overcome this. You
can grow from this.
Find the sunshine that is hiding behind the clouds. It is
there, you just have to look for it.
Love & Light,
Lexi Fontaine
