My mother and I have had a rocky relationship off and on my whole life. It wasn't that she never showed up for sports or never asked me about my day. In the physical way, she was always there for me. However, I don't think we ever really understood how to communicate with each other. As the oldest of three, I had a lot of expectations put on me. I look back now and don't understand it because I was someone who always did what was expected of me. I never partied in high school and never snuck out of the house. I always asked when I wanted to go somewhere and did the best that I could in school, sports, etc. When my younger sisters came along, the rules went from strict to nearly non-existent and I struggled understanding why I had followed rules that no longer existed. I never wanted to disappoint my parents, and I was very much a "goody-two-shoes", if you want to call it that. I struggled a lot in middle school and high school with minor bullying but I tried not to let my parents or anyone else know that it bothered me. When my sisters went through similar situations and did go to my parents, my mom and dad were the first ones to stand up for them and say something if necessary. When I finally did share the crap that I dealt with, I was told that I hadn't tried hard enough to be friends with people. My mom was never the one who babied us, which was fine, but she also didn't always know how to comfort us when we really needed it.
As I got older, I started to understand certain aspects of why parents do and say things. Unfortunately, my mother and I's relationship did not get much better. Our conversations often turned into angry arguments and misunderstandings. They still do. I know that there was a lot expected of her when she was a young woman and I struggle to let her know that things arent how they used to be. I am discovering myself and who I want to be. Right now that doesn't include finding a permanent job in one place, getting married, and having children. I have often felt that my mother tries to be a friend to my sisters and finds time for them. I work a lot, and as much as it sucks, I don't get much time off, so I rarely get to see my family. I have worked a lot at doing things that I say I am going to do. My mother sometimes gets these ideas on a whim, and then doesn't end up following through with them. I stopped really expecting things to happen when she said they would because I couldn't keep getting my hopes up and then being let down. I am 24 now, but when I try to communicate I feel like a ten year old who is not being taken seriously. I get so frustrated trying to communicate that I end up angry most of the time in conversations with my mother. I hope that I can better understand her someday. My anger as I have grown up has turned to sadness, because I don't know what I can say or do anymore. I love my mother and I always will, but I think the way I love and the way she does are just very different. To the mom I love but don't understand, I want to get it. I don't know if it was something I did growing up that has created this tension between us, but I don't know how to make it better. I tried my best in the past and I will always want to make you happy, but until I feel like I can cry in front of you and not feel judgement, I will love you my own way and you can love me yours.
