Hi Guys,

If you don't know by now, I have a mental condition. You know, it has to do with me being moody all the time, getting irritated fast, and staying in my room… all of the time. If you were lucky enough not to notice that, I also have Addie up at school with me. To have an animal in a college residence hall, you need prior approval from your therapist or doctor.

Drumroll, please…

I have depression and anxiety. Both are terms that are thrown around quite often and are frequently used in the wrong way, so I've always been nervous talking about what has actually been wrong with me. Depression is the lack of will for anything, the loss of interest in activities, and feeling the need to sleep all the time. That is the very general statement of what depression is. For me, I’ve had it so long that I don’t remember what it’s like to be anything else. Now, the anxiety is a little bit more new to me. It was brought on by the Resident Mentor position, being in charge of 30 direct residents in a way where I need to try to be mentally prepared for anything. I need to worry about their safety, and there’s been many school shootings that just increase the worry. My first full blown anxiety and panic attack was during my first semester as an RM, after which I decided that maybe I did need medication and a little extra help. A lot of you, friends and family, know that this is what I've been struggling with. This is why I can sleep for 36 hours with no issue. This is why I push you lovely people away.

I've gotten a bit better at recognizing and trying to control the temper that comes with it all. I've started apologizing, but I want to make an official apology to everyone now. I'm sorry I've made your lives more difficult by causing undue stress. Most of you don’t understand my outbursts or my sullenness. Most of the time, it’s nothing to do with you. It’s to do with the battle in my head.

Now is a time of celebration and starting anew. While I can't just "be happy" or "think of all the good things I got going for me", I can remember and express my gratitude to you all being able to put up with me. I can apologize more often and give more hugs. I can tell people I love them.

I am not the only person struggling in their own brain. Acquaintances and others that I held at an arm's length had no idea of the battle I’m fighting. Some would note the far off look, how the smile slid from my face, or my abrupt comments. It’s an easy mask to slide on that all is okay rather than explaining the chemical imbalance in your brain. Therefore, you don’t know what’s going on in someone’s life. Be kind.

When Gus died, I wrote on my board outside my room, "please send love". One of my residents stopped by and asked how could he send love. It boils down to maybe helping someone when you're out, doing something kind, or restoring humanity and faith. I'm not a praying man, but if you are a strong believer in prayer, pray. Spread love however you wish. There's an endless supply so you needn't hold it back.

This is not a plea to treat me differently, on the contrary, please do not. Just remember, though I may not show it always, I love you.

Please send love.