Now call me a hopeless romantic, but I've never seen much of a purpose for Tinder beyond pure entertainment. And by entertainment, I mean laughing hysterically at the downright weird (albeit, pretty creative, fellas) messages that have popped up from some eager Tinder bachelors.
As I was packing up to spend the week at Daytona Beach, my sister said, “Hey Lulu, you should download Tinder while you’re there!" Immediately after my sister suggested this, my Mom turned around and asked, "What is Tinder?" And alas, the moment that a brilliant, and by brilliant I mean horrible, idea was formed. I decided that I would download Tinder while I was at the beach for a week and I would let my Mom come up with the responses to any messages that I received. Spoiler alert: this was as hilarious (and as painful) as it sounds.
Tinder Match: "Hi my name is Jon but you can call me the best thing that's ever happened to you"
My Mom: "I heard people say that one in the 80's. Maybe try a new pick up line"
An oldie but a goodie? I'm afraid not, Jon.
Tinder Match: "Love the Red Dress!!"
My Mom: "The dress is actually brown. But I see you work at Panera Bread. Panera rocks lol"
Immediately after sending this she says to me, "You know color blindness isn't that bad, I've been married to your dad for 24 years." At least we know that true love does exist. *awe* Regardless of the inability to detect certain colors, I have to give her a thumbs up on this judgement call. You're right Mom, Panera does rock.
Not exactly pillow talk, but I'm not upset with the way she handled this. The best part is that my Mom is actually a doctor. When she's not out healing the world, at least she can use her medical background to shut down a few lame pick-up lines. Medical school may be expensive, but you really can't put a price on that. Well done, Dr. Hamm. Also, props to you, Tinder Match (one of the few who actually replied). We aren't sure if you are really determined or maybe just really desperate, but we appreciate your good sense of humor.
Tinder Match: "1 mile away? I thought heaven was a lot further"
My Mom: "Let me build you a stairway and see how high you are willing to climb"
Okay this is getting somewhere. Way to set a challenge. I'm sure he will also appreciate the subtle Led Zeppelin reference. A little bold, but overall A+
Tinder Match: "Well then hello 😳😍😍😍🙈"
My Mom: "Okay that's a lot of emojis calm down"
The important question is, will we ever know how many emojis to send? Is there a mystical, magical number of emojis lying somewhere between being boring and being weird? Should we opt for the heart eyes or a winky face? Welcome to the turmoil of modern day dating, Mom.
Ouch. That's harsh stuff Mom, harsh stuff.
Tinder Match: "🔥🔥🔥"
My Mom: "Is that all you have. Give me some words"
So clearly my Mom is not a fan of emojis. Also she is a little demanding. But hey, I'm all for asserting your dominance. Males of Tinder be warned, we want some words, and we want them now.
Tinder Match: *sends a giphy of a guy blowing a kiss*
My Mom: "What the f*** is that?"
Same Mom, same.
Sound the alarm. Alert the high towers. Could this really be a normal message? From a normal guy? With a genuine introduction and a thoughtful compliment?? It appears that chivalry is most certainly not dead, ladies.
Well, there you have it. I wish that I had a very pleasing and comforting way to wrap this all up with a beautiful bow, but I'm afraid to say that I have no idea how to do that because I don't really know what just happened.
Admits this confusion, let's take some time to pause and reflect on what we have learned:
Lesson #1: If you didn't know this already, you probably won't meet your future boyfriend on Tinder.
Lesson #2: We can all admit that Tinder is fairly entertaining. Maybe download it, read over a few of your messages, have a good laugh and then delete it forever. Forever.
Lesson #3: My Mom is a savage.
Never change Mom, never change.
