As we all know, family in laws, period can be quite tricky relationships. This is for both the son and daughter in laws. Some people, like myself, are blessed with incredible in laws. Now, I am certainly not saying we are perfect, I am sure I piss them off or annoy them sometimes, but I can honestly say mine have been amazing to our family all around. I don't know if I could have been more blessed with my marriage and in laws. Other people not so much.
As we delve a little further into this topic, let's consider these questions; Why are mother in law/daughter in law relationships the most common for issues, why is it so difficult to maintain boundaries, especially with grandchildren, and what can be done to help prevent issues, even if you are not at fault?
For privacy's sake, I will not be using names on these stories!
Here we go!
"My M-I-L always lets my husbands little sister, who is 13, stay over at her boyfriend's house and then came crying to us begging for help when she found a old pregnancy test in the trash! Luckily it was negative!"
"My mother-in-law let my 3 and 6 year olds, go to a skating rink without my permission and without her supervision"
"My mother-in-law objected at our wedding."
"Mine called 3x a day while we were on our honey moon"
"My parents filed false DCS reports 2 times and threatened a third bc we pissed them off, the worst part is my dad used a text that said word for word, if you dont answer the phone I am going to call dcs right now,"
"My m-i-l stood in the doorway and watched us being intimate after our wedding and did not say a word until we got done and saw her standing there!"
"My MIL threw us a couples baby shower when I was pregnant. I only asked 3 simple things: 1.NO wine. Beer is fine but it's just plain mean to serve wine at this event in front of me. 2. Since we have to travel, can it please start around 1-2pm? This way we could drive home after and not have to spend the night at their 4 dog home in a twin bed. 3. No games - I won't play. What did I end up with? A 4pm baby shower that served wine and had games. There was one that had people list names we shouldn't name the baby."
"She would call me and/or my family and cuss us out for hours on end in the middle of the night just because she was so unhappy with whatever was going on in her mind. This went on for years after her son and I divorced. It was horrible."
"My grandmother-in-law tells me that my husband loves them more than me"
"My son had 2 surgeries in 24 hrs. My mil called and said she didn't like having to wait 24 hrs to know her grandson was in the er and was coming to see him. I asked her to wait until tomorrow and we could meet her at McDonald's he has been wanting to go and it would be good for both of them and he needed to rest today. Then she called back 10 mins later and said if i cant come to your house and see my grandson whenever i want to, where ever i want to, you can live your life how you want and forget about tomorrow i won't be there, and i don't need this. I hung up and we have not spoken since."
"She is convinced every child in the world is being abused and it is up to her to save them. She has threatened to take my son, tried to convince him to lie and say he's being abused, stripped him down and inspected him while asking if he had been anally penetrated, called his school and tried to convince the principal to call DCS. I can't even let them be in the same room alone."
"When we first had our baby, my husband and I had a huge fight and I told him I didn't want to be together anymore, as a result, he took the baby out of the car and gave her to his mom then they said I could leave. My mother in law would not give me my baby back and she then started screaming I was hitting her, even though I was no where near her, and yelled call the police, so the cops come. I am in tears, waiting for my mom to pick me up, having to leave my baby and absolutely heartbroken. I will never forgive her and have not trusted her since. It has taken a lot for my husband and I to get through this but we are in a better place now than ever because of all we had to work through."
"When I was 4 months pregnant with her grandchild she tried to get into a fist fight with me and called me every name in the book other then my given name because I was pregnant and her daughter wasn't"
"If I tell my in laws no about ANYTHING, they hang up then call my husband and ask him instead, constant undermining."
"They only wanted to see our oldest child out of 4, never asked for the others. Even went as far as to say they raised him one time. I don't seem to remember them paying any bills or buying any supplies."
"My monster in law called me at this time of year when we first were married to tell me (straight up) that she would always love her biological granddaughter more than the steps AND she would always bring her extra gifts to open in front of the others. Period. Guess who we have no contact with anymore, lol?!??!"
"She also called me when we were dating to tell me that her son would always tell her everything and she would always be his number one."
"Mine missed my husband HS, police academy, and college graduation. She would have missed our wedding, but she wanted to leave his delinquent little brother with us, so she came hoping we would take him in and deal with him! She missed college graduation just 2 weeks ago cause she cut her own hair and "it looked too bad for public." But somehow it's all my fault cause I make him act like we are better than that side of the family."
"When I was pregnant I received a brand new baby bed, we were so excited to use it then my MIL got a really gross used one that reeked of cigarette smoke. Obviously I did not want it, they threw a fit and complained to my husband that we did not love them!"
"My MIL called DCS and tried to take my 3 month old baby away. It was crazy! The reason that was stated was because the trash was falling out of the can and cups laying around (I run a daycare, so at least five of those cups were sippy ones actually being used). DCS also drug tested me which I passed of course because I was breastfeeding and hadn't even had a Margarita for over a year. We no longer talk to her and my child is almost 3 years."
WHEW! Some of these stories just blew me away. The main thing I noticed almost every time was, it was like a competition. Is it a mom problem? Does control have anything to do with the constant struggle for affection/attention? Do daughter in laws threaten mother in laws? If so, is there insecurity there as to how they parented, maybe that their baby they loved so much may just love someone else more or in a different way?
What is the solution to stress free relationships with in laws? What if there is not one? Is it best for every one to cut them out? Or should you just grin and bear it if there are injustices or inappropriate behaviors? What would you do in some of these situations? I am learning more and more in my personal life that you can honor your parents even if it means not being involved. If your relationship is unhealthy for everyone to no end, maybe it is better to be "estranged."
If there are typical problems, low level undermining, annoyances basically, maybe just blow it off. If you want it to change, find a way to communicate effectively, be respectful, apologize for anything you may have said or done to cause strife and if they don't do the same, make the decision as to whether or not its worth it to push the issue. Mention that you really want to have a great relationship with them and you worry it is just not there and see what you can do together to make it work. Explain that you all love and want the best for their kid and grandkids, but the problems in your relationship is hindering that. Another option is to just accept it and deal with it. As hard as it is there is not end all answer, since our situations are so different. But you can rest assured that you are not alone!
