I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. I miss you so much that I would do anything just to see you again. If that means I have to hurt anyone in my way, then so be it. I don't think you understand how much I miss you. The way you laughed, the way you smiled, the way you said my name, the way you talked to your kids, the way you joked around with your family, the way you told the stories of your childhood. Most importantly, I just miss the way you were. I thought about you today. Scratch that, I have thought about you every day since you left. Each day I try to forget that you're gone and that you're not at home just doing what you normally do.
I remember the last time I talked to you. It was like any other conversation we've ever had. We were talking about my future and how we were both doing, just like any other conservation. Little did I know it would actually be the last time I ever talk to you. I still have the last voicemail you left me. I listen to it when I'm sad, mad, happy or just when I feel like I need to hear your voice. Your voice was so soft but loud, shocking but reassuring.
When you became sick, I didn't think it would last that long. We didn't think you would get it or it would become so serious. We didn't think the sickness would take over, and we didn't think you would leave so soon — we didn't think at all. But how could we? How were we supposed to think about the positive when all we were rewarded with was the negative?
After I found out, I went numb. I didn't even cry at first. I just stood there and tried to process that my best friend was gone. I just remember sitting on my floor dying and thinking about how impossible it was to try to come back from this or how I was going to be OK without you. Thinking about it to this day still makes me want to crawl up in a ball and die.
I truthfully went through the five stages of grief, some longer than others. Denial hurt me even more. After you died, I earned it from my mind, and I actually did believe you were still here. I thought you would just walk through the door and tell us all it was a joke. A sick, gut-wrenching joke. Then came anger. I am going to be perfectly honest, at first I was so mad at you. I was mad that you didn't wait. I was mad you didn't wait for my graduation, my wedding and when I had my first baby. I was filled with so much hate that I forgot to remember that you were gone, and you weren't coming back.
The bargaining didn't seem to work. But then the depression came. My friends and family were so worried that I wouldn't be able to recover from your death. I still wonder to this day how I am living. But then I learned to accept. I had finally accepted the fact that no one saw this coming and that everything happens for a reason. Even if it means taking a loved one away from a caring family.
Thinking about it now, you lived a wonderful life. You lived to a great age and got to experience and learn so much. I think and cherish the times we had and the times we spent together. I am eternally grateful to have had you in my life, and I wouldn't trade memories for the world. I know you're watching over me. I love you.
