When I was little, I was small and tiny for my size. Imagine a short girl with blonde hair, long or short, and also with the assistance of either canes or a walker. I was, what can be known as, "popular" in elementary school, and then things changed in middle school. Sixth grade went on just fine, but it was in seventh grade when things started to get awful. It remained that way ever since; even with transferring from a public school to a private school. It may have been running away from my problems to transfer schools, but the problems only continued.
I was bullied in middle school, and I never really had a lot of friends since. I lost my best friend since second grade, in seventh grade. I lost the connection that I used to have with my other friends that I used to have during elementary school. For what? I have had been asking the same questions for years even since seventh grade, and now I have some kind of displeasure with my hometown because of it. Too many bad memories sometimes make me want to run away somewhere else, when the memories can fade. I'm 100% positive that nobody remembers me, they say they do, but it's hard to believe. I've spent years trying to make the effort only to get nothing back.
I was not bullied in my last few years of high school and college. I have definitely felt lonely and left out. I was not your typical college student with putting so much effort in myself to socialize or even join a sorority because I did not want to get myself hurt again. Nobody had connected with my after my first semester of college when I got onto a medical leave of absence. Nobody had connected with me when I was dealing with the darkest times of my life after hurricane Sandy. Nobody had even connected with me after they graduated and after I graduated. Even with putting in some effort, I still did not feel good enough.
I still do not feel good enough with life at home because my insecurity can get the best of me. Like anxiety and depression, insecurity is powerful and lasts for a lifetime. I don't know how or why I was bullied and left out so often, but I do believe that my appearance mattered so much to people who should really be focusing on themselves. The way I appear is still a problem today amongst my immediate family and some of my siblings. My appearance should not matter so much, but they do matter too much to the point where I am constantly nagged about how I should weigh myself and watch everything I do/eat. I'm slowly learning how to track everything, but the feeling of everything not being enough stems from the insecurity I have.
I'm still recovering from many pains of my past, but instead of being talked down about everything I need to change, I need help. I need a support system instead of the kind of system when everything is so negative. I need people I love and who I'm with on a constant basis to be there for me and continually supporting what I try to do. I cannot do everything alone, and I definitely cannot move as a quick pace as everyone else would like to move.
