It is 4 p.m. on a Sunday. I sit on the edge of my dorm bed, which has started to feel increasingly rented, as if not my own, when I feel panic rise through my stomach to meet my heart. Before this episode can reach a crescendo, I hear the jingling sound of my cell phone and see your name illuminate my half of the room. Throughout the duration of my lonely freshman year of college, you were the comforting piece of home that I clung on to.
And you clung on to me, too.
Our friendship became strengthened by the shared fear we felt, alone in a new city for college while struggling with untreated anxiety and depression. Before I received medicinal and therapeutic help for my mental illness, our conversations are what kept me going to class and eating meals. Even though we were both terrified, we found comfort in the shared experience and helped each other. And grew with each other as we finally found the courage to stretch our arms and enter the world completely. Though we spent hours on the phone, there are still a few things I want you to know.
Your illness is valid, no matter what anyone says. You did not manifest the emptiness in your heart. It grew on its own, and there was nothing you could do to stop it. Depression and anxiety are called mental illnesses for a reason: because they make someone ill. Just because your illness is physically invisible, I will always know how valid it is and the negative impact it has on your life.
I know that my friendship cannot cure your depression or erase your anxiety, but I will do everything I can to make life happier for you. I understand how these conditions can make one more irritable and I won’t hold that against you or think that you are ever pushing me away. I know that depression can make one speak poison, and I won’t take things you say to me in anger personally.
Finally, I just wanted to say thank you for being there for me as well. Your kindness and understanding brought so much joy to my life when not much else did, and I can't ever thank you properly for that. All I can do in return is continue to be there for you and appreciate our wonderful friendship.
