I will never forget what it was like hitting my first recognizable manic episode and literally running away to New York City with my friend. It wasn’t permanent; we didn’t intend it to be. However, nonetheless, we sped away for New York City for the day. I was only 15 at the time. Luckily, he was 16 and able to drive us the long three hours to Manhattan

The world opened up to me that day. While I was in perhaps one of my least favorite mental states, I did learn so much about myself that day. To arrive in a place where an infinite number of possibilities were available at any given moment, liberated me from the dark place in my mind. While drowsiness may have been a factor as well, the drive back to Pennsylvania was horribly miserable. I fell off the manic ledge and landed right back into a dizzying depression spell.

While this was certainly due to my manic depression (also known as bipolar disorder) and not a result of my circumstance, it still spoke volumes to me about the delicate balance between my mental state and my sweet suburban lifestyle.

I toyed with this concept for a long time, expressing it to my therapist among others. “I’m happier in the city. Life makes sense in the city.” Some part of me became obsessed with proving this true. I never once doubted it was where I needed to be. That was, until, the day came where I packed and repacked my bag and went to bed knowing that the next morning I would head to the Big Apple. (Side note: New Yorkers don’t call it the Big Apple. Don’t call it the Big Apple. I regret having used that term so many times in this article.)

Terror held me captive and I couldn’t breathe without exhaling pure anxiety. I never thought that moving to New York City would cause such distress in my life when it had been the source of pure euphoria for so long. This feeling hung heavy on my chest.

However, after the move in hysteria, I looked out my window and saw the river and a skyline of beautiful buildings all clustered together. I felt the world expand around me and a feeling that can only be described as nearly claustrophobic shattered and dissipated. My mind was free of the thick black smog that had held it hostage since I was born.

And for a few hours, I was able to forget that my mental illness was a condition ingrained into me and not a factor of my circumstance.

It felt good to forget… for a moment I was normal.

Then, as of course, it would, my brain decided to kick it into high gear, hitting a mini manic episode before it ultimately leveled out into the pit of loneliness that we call depression. Going to college when you’re mentally ill is a feat in itself. The anxiety for even neurotypical students can be insurmountable. However, delving into the city of your dreams only to be greeted with the very thing that you thought you were escaping, comes with a bit of disappointment.

The good news? It is manageable. Luckily, it didn’t take long for me to wrap my mind around the concept that, as I already knew, my mental illness wasn’t a physical thing that I could just drop off and say “Hi, uh, yes, I’d like to return this”. It was an abstract that had latched onto who I am. It could not be pried off or loosened, but instead reduced in size and managed.

So, to the city I love and the one that reminded me why I want to live, here is how I have decided to manage you and the mental illness that has plagued me:

1. Self-Talk

What you say to yourself is the most critical part of being human. Starting to recognize what you inflict on yourself and changing that monologue into positivity helps to keep you motivated. I promise to stop the intrusive thoughts the best that I can. There is so much to focus on in this city; I promise to divert my attention to something beyond myself. This city is full of need and I promise to talk my way to change.

2. Self-Care

While a focus on others is important, self-service is not inherently evil. I pledge to take time for myself, adventure independently on activities that I wish to pursue, and take time away from the hustle-bustle of the every moving city.

3. Relinquishment

Finally, I promise to relinquish my control to the city I love. It's time for me to stop obsessing over things that I can not change and Manhattan shall remind me of that. This is my home now and it's time to stop planning every detail and be prepared for everything along the way (even though the Girl Scout in me will protest). Sometimes the subway shuts down, but sometimes you bump into your favorite celebrity.

Mental illness, I will not let you take over my dream.