I had this friend once who said all the time "I wish I had a Polaroid camera"

I wish I could freeze the Moments where I am so inexplicably happy so in my low moments I could rewind time and see myself smiling

I had this friend once who said "I can't remember if I ate lunch today"

I watched her vanish before my eyes, watched her bones emerge from her skin until I could use her skeleton to study for my practical anatomy exam

I could see her stomach pumping life through her body instead of her heart and I was powerless to keep any food inside her

I had this friend once who said "I can't slow my heart rate"

I watched her breathe faster and faster until she was expanding by the second and then she just popped

She exploded into tears and anger and she shrank in and blew up and couldn't control the voices so the voices controlled her

I had this friend once who fought depression with everything in his body

He fought for his smile and he fought for his will to live every day

A poet once said "depression is the prison you build for yourself" and by god he was right

My brain is a very messy place

It is an anxiety riddled catastrophe of an organ

It’s dangerous and the mixed up feelings and my heart make it hard to breathe sometimes

Sometimes I trick myself into thinking I can’t breathe and then I just lose it

I think I am dying and the world is too big

But sometimes the world is too small, like an airplane bathroom,

Like a really crappy, really small airplane bathroom that smells like four day old cheese

Sometimes my anxiety makes my body feel like four day old cheese

I feel weird and I look weird and I can’t control anything I’m doing because some outside force has taken over

It's a mental rut and there is nothing to live for and everything is bright and life is pain and panic mixed up into a destructive present that wasn't even asked for

One day it isn't

One day your brain will stop panicking and start making you feel normal

You will find reasons to live

You will sing funny songs with great friends

You will learn new things that you will actually care about

You will laugh in a field of people who love what you love

You will find a boy who's smile makes you feel all tingly

You will meet up with your friend every day after her class

You will see pretty people and rejoice in pretty things

You will go to practices that are more fun then work

You will find a hundred different reasons why your heart should keep beating

You will discover things about yourself that you never knew before

You will discover that life with a mental illness is about balance not banishing everything and everyone

Life with a mental illness is gritty and hard and tough and rewarding and difficult

It is a fight every day

And it is a fight I have a perfect record of surviving