I had this friend once who said all the time "I wish I had a Polaroid camera"
I wish I could freeze the Moments where I am so inexplicably happy so in my low moments I could rewind time and see myself smiling
I had this friend once who said "I can't remember if I ate lunch today"
I watched her vanish before my eyes, watched her bones emerge from her skin until I could use her skeleton to study for my practical anatomy exam
I could see her stomach pumping life through her body instead of her heart and I was powerless to keep any food inside her
I had this friend once who said "I can't slow my heart rate"
I watched her breathe faster and faster until she was expanding by the second and then she just popped
She exploded into tears and anger and she shrank in and blew up and couldn't control the voices so the voices controlled her
I had this friend once who fought depression with everything in his body
He fought for his smile and he fought for his will to live every day
A poet once said "depression is the prison you build for yourself" and by god he was right
My brain is a very messy place
It is an anxiety riddled catastrophe of an organ
It’s dangerous and the mixed up feelings and my heart make it hard to breathe sometimes
Sometimes I trick myself into thinking I can’t breathe and then I just lose it
I think I am dying and the world is too big
But sometimes the world is too small, like an airplane bathroom,
Like a really crappy, really small airplane bathroom that smells like four day old cheese
Sometimes my anxiety makes my body feel like four day old cheese
I feel weird and I look weird and I can’t control anything I’m doing because some outside force has taken over
It's a mental rut and there is nothing to live for and everything is bright and life is pain and panic mixed up into a destructive present that wasn't even asked for
One day it isn't
One day your brain will stop panicking and start making you feel normal
You will find reasons to live
You will sing funny songs with great friends
You will learn new things that you will actually care about
You will laugh in a field of people who love what you love
You will find a boy who's smile makes you feel all tingly
You will meet up with your friend every day after her class
You will see pretty people and rejoice in pretty things
You will go to practices that are more fun then work
You will find a hundred different reasons why your heart should keep beating
You will discover things about yourself that you never knew before
You will discover that life with a mental illness is about balance not banishing everything and everyone
Life with a mental illness is gritty and hard and tough and rewarding and difficult
It is a fight every day
And it is a fight I have a perfect record of surviving
