I've seen an article named along the lines of, "What It's Like To Live With High-Functioning Depression." I have seen it everywhere -- people talking about depression and anxiety and what it is like, but I have yet to see someone talk about Major Depression. Yes, there are different types of depression, but I personally believe the worst of all is Major Depression, because it is by far the one most people are criticized for.
"Just get up! Even if you feel sad, just get up!"
"Why are you missing class because you're sad? That is stupid."
"You're being melodramatic."
It mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausts me to even type those words out.
I was bullied in middle school and high school because I would cry for no reason or someone would even say something remotely mean in my general direction. I go days without showering, not because I don't like it, but because I am so damn tired. I have lost all zest and passion in my life. I feel empty and alone. The people I depend on to be there seem to be distant. I can't even go to class because I can't physically handle it anymore. I am in severe and chronic pain on my most depressed days, so much that I take Advil to at least curb the pain as much as possible. I spend hours crying until I wear myself out. I ignore e-mails and texts because if I ignore it, it isn't happening.
When someone tells me I'm lazy and whiny, they aren't recognizing that I am a human being with something deeper happening. When someone ask me if I'm okay and I say no, while crying, I am clearly not. When I push someone away, I'm begging you to stay. I know that it isn't okay, but it's how I cope. I push people away so I can't hurt them as much as I feel. I tell everyone I'm fine because I don't want to burden anyone. And when I cry, it isn't always because I'm sad, but because I can't handle it anymore.
This is why I write, though. I write to release this frustration and anxiety. Nearly four weeks after the loss of a student at a school near me, one that impacted the small community of students, I have decided it is time to speak up. When being alive becomes a chore, it's time to start talking.
According to Emory University's Suicide Statistics, there are up to 1,000 suicides on college campuses per year. This isn't something to take lightly. Even more alarming is that one in ten students have made a plan for suicide. One in ten. This is not okay at all. A college campus is suppose to provide a safe space, but when you're afraid of being committed to a mental institute, it can be hard to speak out about these feelings.
What do we do? Where do we start? How do we save ourselves? It is the most difficult part of depression to admit that we need help. When you're sad, it's hard to recognize that people genuinely want to help you. Even harder? Recognizing how to help someone you love with depression. I'm tired of being told to suck it up and deal with it. I don't want to live my life surviving over thriving. When you tell someone with depression (and anxiety) to just deal with their pain, you tell them that there is no way to feel better and that depression is normal. Life is suppose to have meaning, not just float through it as a ghost.
I'm not here to belittle any form of depression because all depression hurts, even those who can move about in their day like nothing is happening. However, I wonder why we belittle those who can't even get up in the morning as if they're lazy and don't care. I've had people yell, scream, and shake me because they're angry that I can't seem to move. The problem is that life is a game of balance and my depression is the heaviest weight, but you will be okay.
Yes, I said it. You will be okay, even on your saddest day. The best advice I have for those who struggle with all ranges of depression, whether you're "diagnosed" or not, it is that you are going to fight everyday. Some days you will let your sadness get the best of you, but you should always wake up, look at yourself and tell yourself, "I don't want to do this, but I will."
If you need to just relax and meditate, miss your classes, and feel sadness in that moment, that is more than okay. Don't be mad at yourself for feeling sad.
What matters most is if you give up. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, even if that is cliche.
On my last piece of advice, the best thing anyone has ever told me is that, "Even though you feel you can't get up for yourself, remember that you impact so many around you even if you think you don't -- you do." You are important, you are worthy, you are special.
To those who love someone with depression, remember that they love you too, but you must be patient. Don't push them or get frustrated, just be there for them. It will all be okay.
Life is so beautiful. Practice mindfulness and look at the beautiful world around you. Remember how lucky you are you get to look and experience something so beautiful and breathtaking.
If I can do it, so can you.
