Here's what people don't tell you about depression.
It's not just being sad. It's being so uncontrollably angry with yourself because you don't know why you feel this way.
It's knowing that you have things to do, a test to study for, music to practice, applications to do but you can't physically move.
It's becoming so overwhelmed during school that you stare at the wall and zone out for some time, and your friends noticing.
It's the thoughts at night, those thoughts really suck. They attack you, and they hurt you. These thoughts would drive you so mad and frustrated with yourself that they drove you to want very horrific things to happen.
Depression isn't sadness, it's every possible emotion felt at once. It's a terrible trap like hell.
Growing up, I was happy and bubbly. I loved reading and writing, I had a fiery passion for history and politics. Of course, I still do, but right now, those things feel limited. And that's okay. You're allowed to have off days, off weeks, and off months.
After a series of unfortunate events late last summer and early fall, I became very angry. I struggled to concentrate and think and even got to the point I really didn't want to breathe. I felt worthless and lost in a life I didn't exactly choose to live in. I became distant I couldn't eat or sleep. I lost about 15 pounds in a month. I was living in my own personal hell.
I didn't have a savior on a white horse come in and make me feel better. I saw a doctor, got medicine, and was diagnosed with major clinical depression and anxiety with OCD tendencies. The thing about these medications is that it takes time for them to start working, so my problems didn't stop right away. Frankly, they haven't fully stopped, but they are manageable and I am doing so much better.
I will say that depression ruined my senior year of high school. It gave me a scapegoat for when I did not want to get up and go to school.
"Sleeping will make me feel better Mom, I promise!"
Depression ruined the trust I had with my parents. I know they felt just as much pain as I did when I said some of the things I did, for the things I wished happened.
Depression put a strain on my relationship. Loving someone with a mental health problem is not easy, and my boyfriend understood that. How can you be happy when the person you're with is dying on the inside?
Depression ruined so many of my lasts. I often opted out of going to band or I didn't want to go out in general. My friends who knew where walking on eggshells to keep me happy. It. Was. Hell.
I have been hesitant to share my own experience and struggle with mental health for the dumbest reason. The stigmas that follow "depression" and "anxiety" are long, and almost always dead wrong. I am not crazy, I am not sad. I am a smart, young girl who fell victim to a silent killer. I am brave because I have fought so hard to be able to even be typing this. I have a voice.
This is no longer a hush hush secret, this is a full-blown epidemic. I don't know the cause or the reason for the matter. However, it is so important to just care. If I didn't have the support I have, the people who care, I honestly don't know if I would be here right now. Nobody deserves to live like that.
And please, for the love of God, don't tell me to get over it..because, it's not that easy
