There I was at my aunt’s house in middle-of-nowhere Georgia. Everything was fine until we ventured into the heart of the harshest wilderness of them all -- the office. My aunt left me with a desk job writing email templates for two whole weeks! I sat hopeless at my desk without a clue where to begin. Just me against the office. I honestly believed it was the end, but against all odds, I survived. If you don’t think you could make it in the office, you better read this before it’s too late. Here are the seven strategies that saved my life.
1. Locate a reliable source of water.
Yeah, water is kind of a big deal. Without it, you can’t last three days. I found clean, running water in the cafeteria from the get-go. I always kept my bottle full because you never know when you won’t have access again.
2. Look for good shelter.
You don’t want to be out in the open during break time. I made my dwelling in the shade of some evergreens -- an ideal place to kick back when break time fell. The green added color to my day in the gray office. Of course, people probably thought it was weird when they kept seeing me by the trees. But who cares? This is survival!
3. Keep an eye out for edible food.
Eating can seem urgent after the backbreaking work of the typing for hours, but it’s really not. You can go three weeks without a bite. Food poisoning, on the other hand, is far more threatening to your survival. If you get deathly ill, you could die! So I avoided all the poisonous snacks in the vending machines and foraged for some chips and hummus from my bag.
4. Pay attention to your body for warning signs.
If there’s something wrong with you, take care of it before it gets worse. Strained neck, tired eyes, the sudden realization you forgot to make coffee -- all signs that the office is conquering you. If I didn’t take care of myself, my sickness would have taken care of me.
5. Keep a secret weapon at all times.
You never know when you’ll find yourself in a desperate situation, so always keep a weapon handy. My weapon of choice was an interesting article that I always kept open. I wouldn't have survived without an interesting article to read when I needed it most. I kept my weapon hidden, of course, so my co-workers wouldn't suspect anything.
6. If you can’t run, take the animal down.
You never know when you might run into a death-dealing beast. If it charges at you, you probably can’t outrun it, so be ready to knock it out. Once, a set of 100 email templates in need of revision snuck up on me, and there was no way out. So I had to go for the kill! With tactics like copy and paste, I got the job done unscathed.
7. Keep the will to survive.
This is, by far, the most important one. In my lowest moments, when I thought I couldn’t go on any longer, I tried to keep things in perspective. Writing emails to strangers to get them to waste money on crap they didn’t need was making the world a better place! I had to go on because the world couldn’t go on without me.
While these strategies will help, you can never be totally prepared. The office is the kingdom of chaos, and you can’t win through organized tactics alone. When it comes down to it, you’ve got to go with your gut.
