Making false statements is frowned-upon in most societies. They can be used to get ahead, to bully others, for revenge, and for several other clearly problematic reasons. But, in general, we forget that false statements working against the ones who make them are also harmful. Yet, self-depreciating statements are often both common and socially accepted.
These statements may come after receiving a compliment (“Oh no, I’m actually not smart at all”). Some people make them right before they try something they are not confident about (“Well I have almost no creativity, so this probably won’t turn out well”) or right after (“Yeah, I’m way too boring as a person to have pulled that off”). Sometimes, they may even come after doing something really well (“Yeah I’m surprised too because usually I don’t have any patience at all”) or after someone else makes a mistake (“I totally relate to you, I’m terrible at chess as well”).
Of course, we should all do what we can to get out of this habit. Although it may require some backtracking and awkward pauses during conversations, it can help reduce others’ poor perceptions of you and your own poor perceptions of yourself. Finding other ways to respond to these situations can also keep you from making statements that you later unwittingly expose as clearly false.
However, those of us listening to people who make these statements should also try to keep in mind that not every self-observation we hear is accurate. Just because someone says they are unusually bad at something doesn’t mean we should believe them or see them that way from then on, especially if we receive evidence later that it may not be the case.
Furthermore, some people believe bad things about themselves because it is what they have been told by others or because they are misunderstanding what it really means to have the trait or aptitude. For example, someone may have always been told that they tend to see things in the dumbest way possible, when in fact this may be completely false.
It may be offensive to some people if you tell them they are wrong about themselves, even when it is about something bad. But if you can tell when it will be okay, it can be enlightening and encouraging to immediately express doubt about someone’s poor self-observation when they might be wrong about it, or to point out any evidence that appears which proves them wrong. It will be difficult to do either of these things, however, if you have already decided that the other person is right about having their bad character trait because they said so.
