It is such a strange feeling to fall in love with someone. Falling in love with someone feels like a head rush, it feels tingly all over, it feels like heartache, but most importantly it feels happy. Love feels happy, it is supposed to anyways, but it doesn't always feel happy. It doesn't always hurt in the good kind of way. Sometimes love leaves you in pain, leaves you wondering who you are, and wondering what you did. Not all love is the head to toe tingly, stupid smile kind of love.
Whenever dealing with emotions, it is fragile; it's delicate. Dealing with emotions is like walking on a thin sheet of ice ready to snap at any moment, sending you into the freezing water below you. Emotions are tricky and sticky. Emotions sting and burn like the tears in your eyes when it doesn't work out the way you want it to. Emotions, however painful and delicate, are what make the world go round.
It is important to note that when dealing with these things, that anything can happen. You can fall in love, you can fall out of love. You can be happy and sad. You can be angry and content. You can feel everything or be completely and intoxicatingly numb.
I remember when I fell in love with him. It was the summer of my freshman year. We had been sending letters while he was at Basic. We had history, and it seemed like for the first time everything was aligning for us, and maybe, just maybe things would work out how we always wanted them to.
We agreed we were dating and talked every day, we called each other whenever possible. Just seeing his name pop up on my phone made my heart flutter. I was utterly and inconceivably in love with this man. He was the first one to say it, and I remember that day as if it was yesterday, but most of all I remember how giddy I felt afterward, as though I was settled and this was it. And then I started college, and he began AIT, and things went south.
We stopped talking every day, and our messages became once a day, our calls once a week to once every other week. I started living life on my own and not worrying about what he was off doing. Finally one day I broke down and called quits, told him this was it I couldn't do this anymore. It was over.
It stung like salt in an open wound, but he had already taught me how to live without him. There have been moments where we talk, and we express that we still have feelings for each other but in the end, we both know that it will never work, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Love isn't always right. It doesn't always happen at the best time, or with the right person. Love doesn't always mean staying together or even trying to be together. Love means that person will always hold a spot in your life, that you will always care what, and how they are doing.
Love does not mean they are your everything. Love does not mean you have to hold onto to something hurting you. Love is love, and sometimes love doesn't work out with someone.
But give it time because one day it will work with someone. One day you will look at someone and be unconditionally, madly in love, and it'll work out. But for now, focus on you, and work on you because you can't love anyone without loving yourself first.
I wish I knew that six months ago, but I am ever so thankful I do now.
