Two years ago I learned about something called "The Five Love Languages." This concept was created by Gary Chapman, who wrote a book on it. Learning about this has helped me to understand myself and the people around me, and as a result, it helped to transform my relationships to become healthier and stronger.
The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service and gifts.
The idea is that everyone prefers to be loved and give love in certain ways. For example, think about how you feel if someone gives you a present versus if someone tells you verbally how much you mean to them. Which would make you feel more loved? Well, everyone feels loved in different ways.
Some people love physical touch and feel very loved if their partner rubs their back or gives them a kiss on the cheek. Others may actually hate those things. Some people feel very loved by acts of service, for example, if their partner comes to help them with a project, change their lightbulb or do the dishes after dinner. Other people may appreciate those things, but not necessarily feel very loved by those actions.
"The Five Love Languages" concept and book have helped mend so many of my relationships and have helped me to love people so much better than I ever did. It has made me realize that while I may enjoy being loved in certain ways, high in words of affirmation and not so much quality time, people in my life are different.
For example, my roommate last year was high in quality time and I was not. I spent the year always writing her letters and texting her sweet things, but almost never planned any quality time with her. I ended up realizing towards the end of the year that I was loving her in the way I like to be loved and assumed she was the same. That's what we do. We assume that our loved ones want to be loved in the same way as us.
A couple can spend a year together with the man always buying the woman gifts and the women always taking the man out on special dates. But if they are not loving each other in their love language, yes, they could be doing nice things for each other, but each one may feel unloved deep down inside. The woman may wish the man would plan surprises or dates for them and the man may wish the woman would give him thoughtful gifts, but neither one knows so they spend a year each feeling frustrated and unloved.
This concept has the capability to change relationships for the better if you allow it to. I encourage you to take the Love Language test and see what yours is and pass it on to your loved ones.
