14 Things I've Learned Through My First Heartbreak

14 Things I've Learned Through My First Heartbreak

Life is tough, but so am I.

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Heartbreak. It's tough.

Growing up, I've always been an independent girl who never NEEDED to date anyone because I felt content with myself. I've had struggles internally, but I didn't ever truly develop "feelings" for anyone in high school. I dated one boy for about a month, my sophomore year, and that was it. I got bored easily.

Then I came to college. First semester, I was free as a bird. Joined a sorority, went to parties, had a great time. I was living my best college life. Then I was invited onto a frat date night and everything changed.

One of my sorority sisters asked if anybody would want to go on this frat's date night, and I volunteered. I didn't know who my date was going to be, but I figured it would be a fun time so I decided to go.

A couple of months later, I still talk to my date every day and we've spent so much time together. I never got bored of him. It was different somehow.

Unfortunately, things ended. But I've learned so much through my first heartbreak, and I want to share.

1. I am not second-choice.

This is a big one for me. I would always drop what I'm doing to hang out with him. This isn't a bad thing, but when it gets to be that he wants to hang out AFTER his friends leave, and it's getting later and later in the night, second-choice begins to creep in. I would always hold off on plans with friends just to hang out with him. My friends would go out to eat or have fun and I would stay back. That's not how it should be. If he doesn't see you as a priority like you see him, something is definitely wrong.

2. Sometimes you have to ask for help.

Friends are there for you. Family is there for you. Heck, even strangers are there for you. God is always there for you. Sometimes, these friends/family don't know you're hurting, and you have to tell them. And that's okay. It's okay to ask for their help. It's hard to admit defeat but it's so worth it. I'm not a hug person, but somebody forcing a hug onto you will send you bawling, which is okay. It's okay to feel. I've never been the type of person to care if somebody texts me or not, but through this heartbreak, I would check my phone constantly for any type of communication from friends. I even would tell them to send me uplifting things. Soon, playlists, verses, quotes, and just people saying hi would flood my notifications. It's okay to ask for it.

3. Sometimes, you DON'T have to ask.

They know. People can tell. I remember one day I came back from class, and I stood outside the door of my dorm gathering up enough strength to walk inside the living room and go straight to my room without anybody noticing I was upset. I failed miserably. As soon as I walked in, I heard "what's wrong?". It's nice to know that people care and that you have a support system.

4. I am a CATCH.

This is something I learned way too late. I'm confident, but one day it just clicked. I am a great girlfriend. I am going to make a great wife. I was literally bragging about myself to my friends about this. I'm not saying that you should be self-conceited, but it's okay to realize, "Yo, I'm worth so much more than I'm being treated right now". I DESERVE the best. And I will not settle for anything less.

5. God will not take anybody out of your life that he won't replace with somebody better.

This one requires a lot of faith and trust. I get it. But I truly believe it. God kept trying to take this man out of my life after I kept clinging to him until God had to hurt me to force me to let go. Yes, it hurt, but I wouldn't let go. I clung to the idea that this man, even though there were huge roadblocks, could be my love. But God helped me to realize he's not. I even still struggle with it, I'm not going to lie. But if God knew that he wasn't the one for me, imagine how AMAZING the true one will be?! If I think that dude was amazing, just freaking wait until I meet the real man of my dreams. And I'm super stoked to meet him.

6. My life isn't falling apart, it's falling into place.

Just like the amazing song "Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns says, your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place. I've learned a lot of cool quotes about messy lives, but this one really stuck to me. As time goes on, we lose the loose parts of our lives, and more secure things come to take its place. I love Pinterest and all quotes that I've saved as my phone wallpaper or write on my whiteboard.

7. Learn when to fight, and when to quit.

I don't like the word "quit", but it's the most fitting word. Growing up, I've been told to fight for what I believe in. Fight for what's right. But if you're fighting for something that you shouldn't have, you're just tiring yourself out for no reason. I'm not saying to lay down the towel when you get into a misunderstanding with someone or to give up when things get tough. What I am saying though, is know when the effort you're putting in isn't worth it or isn't working. It's a blurred line, but eventually, it becomes clear.

8. I need to focus on myself.

I've never really agreed with the saying that goes along the lines of "you have to learn to love yourself before you love anybody else". That always seemed stupid to me. I always thought that loving others and receiving that love back will help you to love yourself. Now, I see the meaning of it. You have to be sure of yourself and your actions in a relationship. You can't second guess anything. I've come to terms that I really need to work on myself before I get into another relationship. I need to learn love myself unconditionally before I give anybody else that love. I know that I am worth it, and I deserve the best.

9. I AM WORTH IT.

Like mentioned in #8, I deserve the best. I don't deserve a boy who leaves me sitting in my bed alone crying, wondering why he cancels plans three times in a row in one week. I need a man who will text me sweet compliments, who understands me, who is the one to make plans. That's a big thing that I will talk about next. I am worth so much more than doubts and second guessing myself. I am worth so much more than what I think I am.

10. I don't play games.

Honestly, I've never been this type of person. The person who always has to leave the other person on "read" for exactly one hour, or wait to reply because the other person did the same thing. I don't play mind games like that. If I want to talk to that person, I will. Simple as that. I do my part and we'll see what happens. Don't have any regrets.

11. If he wants to spend time with you, he will find time to spend.

This is a fact. As time goes on, if he's not putting in as much into the relationship as he was at the beginning, something is off. I deserve the same amount of effort that I put in. He should want to spend time with you just as much, if not more, that you want to with him. He shouldn't cancel plans, that's a big one. Now, I'm not saying he should drop everything to spend time with you, but he should put in an effort to see you at some point.

12. I don't know what I want.

I never believed in the "you have to date to figure out what you want". I thought that I knew what I want. Getting into a relationship where I thought was perfect, I figured out that I didn't want what I originally thought. Some of the values I wanted were the things that I didn't like about the relationship. I used to hate physical contact, and so I thought that's something I didn't want in a man, but now I love to hug and literally just touch and know that he's there. I don't know what I specifically want, and that's ok. I don't need to know right now.

13. That small voice in your head? Listen to it.

If something doesn't feel right and there's that tiny voice in your head pestering you, listen to it. If there are doubts in your mind, listen to them. You won't have doubts for no reason. Usually, something is happening to give you these doubts. You shouldn't have these nervous voices creep into your mind about things that could go/are going wrong. You shouldn't even have doubts in the first place. Relationships shouldn't make you feel anxious.

14. Lastly, "it really be like that sometimes."

I say this too much in my daily life. It's just a fun quote. But going through a heartbreak has made me realize that it's true. Sometimes, it truly be like that. And it's okay. I just have to take it one day at a time. Some days are tough, some days are easy. Some hours are tough, some hours are easy. Some minutes are tough, some minutes are easy. It's a work in progress, and I'm okay with that.

Now, I'm not saying I'm an expert in the field of love and relationships, because trust me, I know I'm not. But I do know that I've learned so much about myself through this experience, and I don't regret it. I just wish I realized how much I'm worth sooner.

So to whoever is reading this: You are worth it, you deserve the best, and don't settle.

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An Open Letter To The Guy I'm Finally Getting Over

I think I'm ready to listen to the happy Taylor Swift songs again.
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I remember when all of this started. I couldn't have predicted you if I'd tried. I was so focused on myself that it took me a while to even admit I was interested in you. You were the one I didn't see coming, and then before long, you were the one I couldn't imagine leaving.

I'll be honest. I lied to myself and to everyone else for a long time. “We aren't anything serious," I'd say. “I'm just having fun." How stupid was I to think that I could resist getting caught up in you? Those months that we spent together were some of the best of my life. I didn't think it was possible for someone to make me laugh like you did, to make me feel the way you did. You brought out a side of me I had never seen before, and even though that scared me, I didn't want it to stop.

You had me so fooled.

One day, just like that, you were gone, and before I knew it I couldn't even recognize myself anymore. I couldn't imagine how someone I had given so much to could just leave like that and not even look back. The months after that was a string of waking up and losing you all over again, telling my friends I was fine one second and crying to them the next. And the second I started thinking I was OK, I saw you again. We talked, I cried, I yelled, you cried, you yelled, and for a couple of weeks I pretended that everything would be OK, and you really meant it this time and we would make it. But just like before, it wasn't real.

Realizing that took me longer than I'd like to admit, but this is what I need you to know: I'm moving on. Finally, after months of dialing your number just to talk myself out of it, I can say that I'm moving on. I won't listen to sad songs anymore. I won't look at our pictures and re-live the days we spent together. I'm erasing every trace of you. I'm smiling brighter, I'm laughing louder, and if it's the last thing I do, I swear I'll find something that's better than what we had.

That's not to say that your memory won't knock the breath out of me on a Tuesday afternoon when our song comes through my headphones. That's not to say that I won't remember the promises you made me and want to scream at myself for ever believing you. But the difference is that I'll recognize the pain in those memories, and then I'll set them down and walk away. Because I'm done carrying them with me and I'm done giving you that power over me.

So don't call me up someday when I've finally forgotten your laugh, don't think about me at all if you can help it. You lost that right when you made the choices you did. This isn't some stupid love story we'll tell later down the road about how we beat the odds and came through stronger on the other side. This is done, do you understand? I'm finally done.

Years from now I'll look back on the adventures we had and laugh at how crazy we were. I'll remember the fierce happiness I felt while we were running wild together and I'll be grateful for this because it has molded me in ways I can't begin to explain. Someday I'll tell my daughter about you and pray that she learns from my mistakes, and when that day comes I'll wonder where you are and genuinely wish you the kind of happiness that I will have found.

I know you'll never read this. But I'll read this, on those nights when it feels like everything is starting to fall apart. Again and again and again, I'll read this and remind myself of the promise I'm making at this very moment, to look forward and stop letting your memory dictate my happiness. Someone wise once said, “Suddenly you'll just know, that it's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings." Well, I'm trusting that this was just one short chapter of my book, and this is me turning the page.

On to the next.

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I'm Scared To Ask Boys To Hang Out Because Society Has Led Me To Believe That I'll Seem Desperate

Ladies, would you ask a man out?

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Let's get this all out, I'm an anxious person. I suffer from "slight" anxiety, I wouldn't say it's horrible, but I deal with it. Nerves, it's something I'm quite familiar with in life, nerves and I are friends, actually. I've dealt with "slight" anxiety for years and it has stopped me from doing many things, which I regret. My "slight" anxiety has reappeared once again in the situation involving the male gender.

I'm not going to act as I've never talked to boys before because I have and it's not the scariness things for me, but when it involves boys I like, it's a whole new situation. Once I start developing any sort of feelings for boys I like, I turn into an anxious mess. That over-thinking, can't say the right words, too scared to embarrass myself anxious mess.

Well recently, that anxious feeling mess of myself has undoubtedly come back to life in some shape or form with this one particular boy. I think it's time to dive into Aby's semi-complicated by not really complicated sort of, just being dramatic love life. So, there's this boy that I've found attractive for quite a while, it's great to admire from afar. I always knew he was there, we were friendly, and nothing really came from that until recently.

In the past month or so this boy has been giving me the most mixed signals I've ever had in my lifetime. Do you like me? Do you not? Are you flirting with me? Ae you just being friendly? I've liked many boys in my time, but I've never thought so much about what this one particular boy and what his deal is? It's been over a month and I still can't figure him or it out, so I've been thinking of doing something every girl is somewhat afraid of, asking a boy to hang out.

I know, it sounds so small and sort of dumb, but doing something like this petrifies and turns me into a nervous, anxious mess. I'll be one hundred percent honest that I want a summer fling, someone to do all those fun things together without the commitment of a boyfriend. It's the beginning of summer, which means I need to start sorting my options out right now.

Here's the issue, I want to ask him to hang out, but I'm scared to ask because I don't want to seem desperate at all. Society has led us to believe that men should be asking girls out instead of vice-versa. In all honesty, it's a bit messed up, but I've been led to believe that "guys ask girls out". So, I've always waited to be asked out because that's what society has taught me and that's what I've allowed.

Now, I'm preparing myself to ask this boy to hang out and I'm getting quite anxious, all the possibilities. What if he doesn't like me? Thinks I'm ugly? Figures out that I can't drive? Hates me? Thinks I'm annoying, oh gosh, the endless possibilities. One thing I know is that I have to try, so I'm going to be bold and ask him to hang out.

It's scary, I'm scared, but I'll never know if I don't try, which is true. Life is filled with mysteries and you won't know if you don't look, right? So, I'm going to get over my anxiety and just try, wish me luck in attempting to ask this boy to hang out.

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