They say running away doesn't solve your problems, but if you run away early enough you can avoid all problems. Therapists may not approve of this method, and you are probably right. When you play with fire and realize how bad it would hurt when you get burned, it is no longer a game. I run because I like to avoid emotions at all costs.
Pushing away seems like the better alternative to risking a chance at heartbreak. Something good comes along, and all you can think about is that what ifs. All the bad things that could happen just start popping up. I'd much rather brace myself for pain then have it hurt me when I'm vulnerable. Maybe it is because I have been hurt before or I am just stubborn, or probably both. I am not damaged, I am careful. No one wants to get a broken heart, but some take more caution. Enough distance that the explosion won't leave unable to walk away but close enough that I can still hear shatters.
You could be absolutely perfect for me, but there is always going to be a voice in my head telling me to build a wall. The closer you get the higher the wall. The feeling of being so close to someone is unique and is hard to find, which makes it all the more scarier. You fear whats coming before anything even happens, to prepare yourself. I break much less if I know what's coming. I assume either that one day you will wake up and just not feel it anymore or you just aren't the person I thought you were. It's easier to turn it all off. I can't trust myself to be deserving of a good thing. As many times as I want to tell you how I feel, I hold it in. Nothing feels more naked and vulnerable than putting it all out there.
It's a lot of work to break my habit. I have my moments where my emotions are numb. So my advice to the guy trying to love a girl who pushes herself away, don't stop trying. One day, the wall will come down. It's not fair that you have to build trust that you never broke, but it's worth it. You shouldn't have to work twice as hard because someone before you hurt me. It's not you, it's the fear of falling. The walls don't stay up forever, learning to trust not just someone else but myself is hard, but it is not impossible. One day I will stop pushing and start pulling.
