From birth we are instilled with this idea of being loved and being wanted. As babies we cry at the sight of our mothers walking away, as teenagers we cry at the sight of our crushes with another person, and as adults we cry at the sight of the one we loved walking out of our lives.

I like many others have experienced all three of these. But as I grow older it seems like these sights hit the heart harder and harder each time. A type of impact that leaves me to question, how am I still breathing?

I always had the love of my family growing up. But sometimes we crave more than the love from our family.

I never knew what love felt like, nor did I ever think it was ever something I would genuinely experience. I always had this idea that I could never love and or be loved.

But as time went on I found that I am capable of love. I had love for someone even if they may or may not have had love for me in return. But for them I am forever grateful because I got to experience a different kind of love. The kind of love that had no intentions and no forced chemistry, but rather just a pure and raw connection that was created on its own.

It was not much longer until this love left my life, taking myself with it. I lost myself and the love I once had for everything and everyone. I grew angry and cold. I pushed away those who loved me the most. I started indulging in things that were a temporary solution to a never ending problem.

Someone continuously told me to find an outlet, a release of some sort. Little did I know the place of my release was also the source of my problem.

I thought that the sight of one leaving your life hits the hardest, but I was wrong. Watching yourself walk out of our own life hits harder than any other pain ever felt, creating the most numb, and unresponsive human.

So that sense of love and desire we all crave, must come from within first. And only then are we able to answer the question of not how am I still breathing, but why.

xoxo.

One who is on the road to finding herself.