It’s been two extremely long, emotional, exhausting months. Life has found it’s self a new normal, just with a gaping hole in the middle. Two full months to process everything and adjust to the ever present emotions that seem to be crippling at times.

Anyone who’s lost a parent reacts and handles it differently. For me, I don’t think I’ve drastically changed or become closed off (more than normal). I’ve been more emotional. It feels like I cry every day and sometimes multiple times a day. There’s moments where I can laugh about something my dad has done or said. But then other times, it’s like a wave of pain that is so overwhelming it captures every breath I try to take. Then there’s content. Moments, few and far between, where I think I can live like this. Those don’t come too often.

The biggest difference from two months ago, besides the obvious, is how everyone else has returned to their normally scheduled lives. That’s the difference I feel a lot. People fall back into their routines to a point, but for me, I don’t have a routine anymore. Everything that was once normal and secondary to me has changed. I would call my mom about something exciting that happened and the next call was always to dad. So many times I think to call my dad because that’s just always what I did. Even while he was sick, I’d always call him and tell him what I was doing or where I was. It’s moments when all I want to do is talk to him and hear is voice where I’m reminded how much of my life is now altered.

I have so much fear and apprehension about how I’m dealing with things. I’m terrified that this soul crushing, breathtaking pain won’t subdue. To a point, I know it won’t. But I also know it will. I think in a year or two or even three I may still lose my breath and cry myself to sleep picturing how different everything in my future will be different. The one constant has been my mom who’s been nothing short of superhuman. She’s been the best shoulder to cry on, person to laugh with, and person to reminisce with. She’s the epitome of strength and love and there’s not one doubt in my mind that she’s the reason I will be able to face life from now on.

Losing a father is something I never, ever thought I’d be going through at 22. I always figured I’d have my own family and my dad would be elderly, kind of how it should’ve been. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him or want to call him. Finding a new normal which balances my eternal saddness and being happy is nothing short of a struggle. Sometimes I’m sadder while other days I’m happier and feel “normal.” But there is no normal, at least not for me.

I’ll miss my dad everyday forever. It’ll never be easy, but I’ll be okay.