I never thought I would be sitting in my living room writing a letter to my dad like this. I never thought that at the young age of twenty-two, I would be writing about how my dad is no longer with us. But here I am, sitting in my living room, writing that letter, at the age of twenty-two.
Losing someone isn't supposed to be easy, but I also never expected it to be this hard. I don't understand how to feel. Emotions are a funny thing. Sometimes I am completely numb and can't feel a thing. Sometimes I'm angry, and I want to scream because of how many things are running through my mind. Sometimes I feel the saddest I have ever been in my life, crying so hard I can't even breathe. My dad was the one to pick me up when I felt down. He knew how to make me laugh and smile. He knew the right things to say. I need him now more than I ever have. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to face, and all I want Is my dad to come through that door and hug me tight.
I think the biggest emotion I've been feeling is angry. I'm mad that my dad won't get to see me get engaged and married. I'm mad that my kids won't experience the fun that my dad gave me and my brother. I'm mad that he was ripped away from me and now I'm left with all these shattered pieces of my heart that just don't seem to fit together the same way as before. I'm mad that I'm mad. My daddy wouldn't have wanted me to feel like this... I know that. But I know that if his and my roles were reversed, he would feel the same. I feel so incredibly lucky that I got the dad that I did. I'm so blessed that my childhood is filled with memories of him getting the boat ready for us to go fishing or teaching me how to plow the field to get it ready for planting. He taught me and my brother so many things about the outdoors. He taught me how to drive, he taught me how to be independent. He taught me to be kind to people even when you don't want to be, but also to not take crap from anyone. He was the first man I ever loved, and that ever loved me.
My daddy was one of a kind and there is nothing in the world that will ever fill the giant hole that is now in my chest. I can only hope that he knows how much I love him. I hope he knows that I miss him so much it physically hurts and that I don't understand how the man that was sitting in my living room two weeks ago today is not here anymore. That was the last time I ever saw him, and I just wish I could go back and hug him tighter. Tell him I loved him and thank him for being my dad.
Daddy, I miss you more than anything. I hope you are happy and healthy and looking down on us. I hope you're proud of me, even though I could never make my mind up. I promise to look after Hunter and make sure he hears countless stories that I have of you. I love you to the moon and back. Until I see you again. xoxo