Sometimes looking back at your writing is how one can truly see how much they have grown.
Sometimes it is the way you see just how twisted your life has become.
The things you can discover about yourself due to reading old pieces can go from being incredibly inspiring to dreadfully sad.
The following piece is something I came across recently that I wrote about a year ago. Ironically enough, it is based off who I felt I was a year prior to writing it.
"A year ago, if asked if I loved every part of myself, I would have said yes.
It's amazing how things can change in a year.
In a year I've started to realize that I'm not as sure of myself as I thought.
I take note that I'm almost always emotional.
That I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I get panicked when someone seems annoyed at me.
My heart stops and I obsess over the smallest detail
until I finally get that reassurance proving no one is mad at me.
I realize that I really do not know what I am doing.
With my life, with my future..I don't see what I'm working for,
instead only seeing an empty abyss, and that scares me.
I notice that apparently, I do care what people think of me, to an extent.
I feel the anxiety creeping up into my mind and making its way through my body,
making me worry about certain actions or beliefs that I used to be so proud of.
I overanalyze and might make things a bigger deal than they really are.
A year ago I truly did not realize there was so much more of myself that I needed to work through.
Taking all of these things in has had its drawbacks.
I have my bad days and my great days with the occasional sob session.
However, one thing I have taken notice of immediately
is how grateful I am to have someone to count on.
Someone who takes all of my realizations in stride.
Makes me feel less insane.
Helps me accept that I'm okay.
Someone who inspires me to write after not feeling the drive to create anything for months.
Who doesn't judge me.
And I do realize that even though I may not completely like myself sometimes,
someone else does unconditionally,
and that makes it a little easier to handle."
Reading that piece now, I find myself somewhat proud.
A year ago, I was in a spot that scared me. I did not have it as bad as other people, but I was at the beginning of my own hardship.
At that time, I started to find myself going down that dark hole, staring into that abyss of confusion and worry.
But now, I actually do have an idea of where I am going and what I am doing.
I know what to expect in the next few months. For the past year, I have come to terms with my personal troubles, I have confronted some of my demons. Nothing is perfect, life always takes work and I know I still have things to work on.
But now, after a year of working towards getting better and working toward my own goals, I have exciting milestones to look forward to in life.
This shows that things really can get better. Things can seem pointless, lonely, sad. But as hard as it is, working towards new goals revolving around joy and happiness really do help.
It takes time, it is difficult and at times it really sucks.
But as cliche as it sounds, life does end up okay.
