Everything was so different a year ago...
I went wrong when I gave people everything that I should have gave myself instead. I give people all of me, even if I have nothing left to give. It is a hard habit to break, because I have been doing it for so long. When I felt nothing, I gave everything. People drain me, it feels like sitting in a cold bathtub that is draining but you cannot get out.
I guess I am empty, maybe so I can refill myself with only good and euphoric things, but that has to take some kind of practice. I have never practiced filling myself with only euphoric things, because I chase destructive things. Such as people, I chase people who need to be filled. So I am used to fill other people, because I radiate that helping vibe. The exact vibe is, I will be there for you to pick you up when you fall, and to tuck you in at night, just to make sure you are more than okay.
I think I got this habit from my mother, she always picked us up before she would pick herself up. She became empty as well, but I think we, her children, have somewhat refilled her. But mine is more intense. I cannot seem to find something worth filling myself with. I cannot keep myself fascinated long enough to let it fill me. Maybe because I will not let myself get filled, so I always have room for someone or something new.
Becoming filled with a certain person or a certain thing scares me. What if I drown again? What if I forgot how to save myself? What if I forgot how to swim? I know what it feels like to feel euphoria. But after you reach the top, it is so difficult not to plummet down. I can feel the down coming, I can feel myself becoming empty. That scares me too.
It is like asking yourself, are you half full or are you half empty? I guess it depends, did I just spill or did I just refill myself? But you should always look at the glass half empty, because then your hopes are not as high and you do not feel so empty when you know you are half empty.
My emptiness creeps in, when the sun goes down. It fills all the not so sunny parts of me, and even the sunny ones. I feel empty, like when you lose something close to you. Whether it was a intimate relationship or a loved one. You grow on what you once had, and it fills you. But when you lose it, you do not remember what it once felt like without them, because you grew attached and did not ever expect to lose them. That is what I feel, when the sun goes down. The void of someone I knew and lost, maybe the person I lost, was myself.
No one ever told me to heal first. So everything that comes my way destroys me, so I must remind myself. I must heal, if I want to keep chasing destructive things to feel whole. I am half empty, because I spilt giving myself to others. I must learn how to keep myself half full, so I have room to grow, and room to let go of things that drown me.
I do not want help refilling myself. I must learn how to refill on my own, so the next time I spill, it will be easier to become half full.
