So here's a scenario, but it's happened to me in real life, and the things that I felt - were 100 percent authentic... unfortunately. I wake up one morning, a morning like any other, and I'm feeling pretty okay. As far as most days go, this is a great one and not for an particular reason - it just is. One of the main reasons why it'll be a good day is because I will stick to my routine, something that I have been doing consecutively for the past year. I'm not necessarily proud of it, but it's allowed me to live a fairly normal lifestyle among everything else. For all everyone else knows, I'm leading a life just like them

I go into the bathroom, and make sure that I don't mess anything up -- otherwise that could lead to a lot of damage, mental damage, that is. I really want to have a smooth day and I don't need any triggers just because I messed up a routine or did the wrong thing. All it takes is just one tiny mistake to shatter everything for the rest of the day. I turn on the water to the hottest level and douse my hands in soap. One pump... no, four pumps. I lather my hands together and place them under the faucet feeling the burning sensation on my skin. It brings me satisfaction like no other knowing that all of the unwanted germs are dying in that very second. Even if I don't have to wash my hands before using the bathroom, I tell myself that I have to. Because if I don't, that's just down right disgusting. If I don't wash my hands before using the bathroom, I feel like I need to take a shower. I feel like all of the microscopic bacteria is crawling on me and eating me alive. I don't want a disease. I don't want to get an illness. I know that these are fairly to highly irrational thoughts, but I honestly don't care. I will do anything to satisfy that urge to clean and destroy all the disgusting creatures on my body.

Once I am done, I finish up in the bathroom, and I was my hands once more afterwards, just like I did the first time. I turn to the hand-towel that is hanging up and before I can dry my hands on it, I cringe for a moment and catch myself. No, you cannot use that one. It's a public towel. You don't know how many people have touched that. Granted, only a few family members have used it. But still. I open the door with my elbows so that my hands do not touch the knob and I go down to the hallway closet and snatch a new, fresh, not been touched towel and return to the bathroom. Just in case my hands grazed the dirty, public towel from earlier, I scrub my hands a third time -- just in case. Again, I have to satisfy those urges and those voices in my head. Clean clean clean. I then take the new towel and dry my hands on it. It honestly brings me joy and relief knowing I didn't use the dirty towel that was hanging up.

I then take the clean towel that I used and place it in my room, but I am hesitant. It has to be sitting somewhere that isn't "contaminated" and it can't be touching anything else. I really have to think about all the objects in my room and try to remember what touched what. I've had moments where I have set something down, and then afterwards remember that the surface that the object is on is dirty -- and then I have to start all over again. One time, I had to do this with seven different articles of clothing. They all became "contaminated" just from touching something on accident that was "dirty," or because they accidentally touched my leg or a body part that touched something earlier that was "contaminated." Sometimes, it becomes a living hell. It ended in a panic attack, no "clean" clothes, and lots of hyperventilating. When I had calmed down, I felt ashamed.

There are some times where I don't want to use the bathroom because other people have used it. Intrusive thoughts fill my mind, thoughts of "You're going to get an illness from using the toilet that someone just used." and the list goes on and on. I know you're probably thinking I'm either A: stupid. or B. Ignorant. Well, I guess those go hand in hand. But either way, I'm not stupid. Rational me knows that is completely impossible, but when my obsessions and compulsions flair up, so do the irrational thoughts and anxiety -- and any advice that anyone seems to give me in that moment goes right out the window.

There have been really horrible incidents where I have trouble going to the bathroom because people have simply used it. It all depends on how my anxiety is that day. Sometimes, I'll be okay with using it if I don't actually see someone else come out of the bathroom or use it. I know that it's been used by someone, but if I don't witness it, it's like nobody else uses it and I am calm and my anxiety is more at bay. There have been other situations where I have made up excuses to go on "errands," but have really used public bathrooms in Walmart or something, just because I can't use the one at home -- all because I saw someone use it right before me. I know it doesn't make sense, but my mind is an ever powerful thing, and so is my OCD. I try not to let it overpower me, but in all honesty I sometimes can't.

If I do my routines in a correct order that never change, I am a happier person. I'm still paranoid and on edge, and the anxiety can be debilitating, but that's only if the routine is messed up or I forgot something. I'm always washing my hands, and I usually bring hand sanitizer with me everywhere I go and I almost always use it after touching anything. One time I used a whole bottle in less than an hour. I have hurt and damaged my hands from excessive washing. I broke the skin once, and it got all red and bloody, but I kept washing through the pain. There was a time when I was meeting my friend at their house, and we were driving to pick up our other friend. He needed to clean his car our for us because it was messy, and he started to clean the passenger seat. He wiped the seat with his hand, and that made me cringe like no other.

Embarrassed, but wanting to not be triggered anymore than I already was, I told him that he touched the seat with his hand where I would be sitting and that grossed me out. I know it doesn't make sense, but, none of it makes sense to me. I had to put a coat down on the seat and sit on it to make myself feel better. Luckily, this was a best friend of mine and he didn't judge me. We then got in the car and talked and joked and it was all normal -- me sitting on the coat and all. Sometimes when I'm out in public, my anxiety arises. Again, it all depends on how bad my anxiety is.

Just the other day, I was at Walmart getting a few things and it was packed. I assumed the store was so busy because of the back to school rush, and because it was rainy outside. I felt myself clam up, and I just knew I had to hurry up and get out of there as soon as I could. At the check out line, I felt stiff as a board. There were people in front of me and behind me. For me, I have to constantly look around me, and keep a safe distance from people who are near me because I don't like people in my bubble, and I am afraid that if they're too close, they'll do something or I'll catch some illness from them. So, yeah. The other day at the store was pretty brutal. I usually have to tell myself, "You're going to be okay, you're fine. you're fine. It's temporary." Once I stepped outside though, I felt much better. I feel so guilty and horrible when I think the things that I do, though. I feel bad for thinking that these people all have diseases and that I jump to conclusions, like they're purposely going to infect me or whatever. And that's just not the case. It's so intrusive thoughts that like to get me.

I have to keep telling myself that I'm being irrational.

I have close friends who know about my OCD. I tell them practically everything about it. So when I'm near them and I'm having an episode I seem, not quite like myself, it's easy to be near them when this is happening. I can tell them why and I don't have to cover it up. The worst part is covering it up - I can't explain how dreadful it is. I've only had to do that in a few situations, but over all, I've been able to over come those moments of anxiety and triggering. It's just such an unbearable menace at times.

Anxiety, obsessive thoughts, triggers, compulsions, hand washing, germaphobe, fear that practically everything is contaminated, not being able to touch something for days when it's not necessary at all, intrusive thoughts and ideas... honestly, it's debilitating and sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and just stay there forever. Because it gets frustrating and exhausting. And it's beyond embarrassing. I want to be normal so badly, normal in a sense where I can relax and breathe and live my life. I feel as if part of my life -- a part where I could be flourishing so much -- has been snatched away by this anxiety and this Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

There are so many people out there who I know struggle like me, but it seems like there are also so many people out in the world who just do what they want -- no worries, no having to wash their damn hands all the time, googling for symptoms online, thinking they have cancer, afraid of germs, doing things in a certain order... routines... things not touching. I don't want to think these things, but somehow, they find a way to seep inside my mind and sit there for hours on end, and for days, months... it's been a year and even though I'm functioning, I am suffering inside most of the times.

I am not saying that everything is horrible, I am resilient. I learn from these thoughts but boy oh boy, I struggle immensely. I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder January of 2015, and the awareness of it now has given some bit of peace. I at least know what it is, and I know what is going on in my brain -- the chemistry isn't exactly right. But now I know and I don't have to wonder or think I'm just messed up in the head for no reason. Still, I'm being unfair to myself. I know that I am not messed up in the head - but I have to work harder to overcome these haunting obstacles. For anyone that struggles with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or Anxiety or any kind, you're not alone. I know that's a cliche, but it's true. You're not alone, and I hope that this article gave you some comfort in knowing that.

I also just wanted to add that excessive hand washing, germs and all that I talked about in this article aren't the only things that I deal with when it comes to my OCD. There are other things that I deal with, however I thought they were too personal to share on the internet.