This week, I will be starting my last year at Hamline University. This is one of the hardest journeys I have encountered, I have struggled even more than I thought I would. Here’s why.
People have a lot of misconceptions about college and college kids. College students are put into a category of heavy drinkers and partiers, and that just isn’t true. Well, for some of us. Especially the sick ones, like me. I live with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome or POTs. It is like one of the most complicated illnesses to try to explain. I encourage you to click on the link and read a bit about it, if you don’t already vaguely know what it is.
I, like many other people that live with a chronic illness, can’t drink that much alcohol because our bodies won’t let us. If we drink, we suffer later. And not just the typical hangover, we can end up in the emergency room or worse. I have experience ending up in the emergency room the day after Halloween. My friends and family asked if it was worth it, if it was worth drinking and ending up severally sick and dehydrated in the ER. I think that it was. Because at that time I didn’t know my limits. At that time, I hadn’t even been diagnosed for a year, I had no clue how my body would react to alcohol. Now I know, and I learned an important lesson that night. So, yes. I think that it was worth it.
Life is all about learning lessons. When you become ill, with a chronic illness you slowly, over time, become aware of your limits. That’s what happened that night. And now I know that I can’t drink alcohol.
When I do go out to a drinking party, I don’t feel embarrassed anymore that I can’t drink as much as the “typical college student.” This is my new normal. I would rather not end up in the ER. People just don’t understand that I am sick but don’t look sick.
Even when I am with family, they will ask or comment on how (they are sure) I party all of the time in college and can drink so much. NO! I can’t! I am SICK! I want to shout and tell them what it is like for me. But no, I don’t because I don’t want to put up with any of that… and never want to talk about how truly ill I am.
Being in college while being sick, is one of the hardest times of my life. I am not looking for pity at all. I hate pity parties; I have had enough of that. The easiest parts of college for someone who isn’t sick are the hardest for me.
To explain this photo; this was my first time being in the ER because of my illness. However, I look perfectly fine and happy. I am not AT ALL. The only reason I was starting to feel better is because of the medication they gave me and my friend came and visited me. My friend, just by being present makes me feel better. It is kind of amazing. That night my heart rate got up to 140 (while sitting down) and I was having body tremors, dizziness, weakness,etc. It was very scary because I don't have a lot of close family in the cities, however, I was able to get a hold of my cousin who brought me to the ER and got to see first hand how sick I truly am. He had to help me out of the car and walk me in the ER and helped me get into a wheelchair. It was one of the worst nights ever. It was also in the middle of the week, so I missed my morning class and couldn't get any homework done either. Do you see my problem??
Here are a couple of other examples of my daily struggles; walking to classes and getting to work is hard on me because of the walking. I get out of breath and dizzy very easily. Being able to work is also hard for those same reasons, along with the brain fog and loss of concentration that comes with my illness. In class and studying are hard for me because of brain fog, random flare-ups, and then having to explain to my teacher about why I wasn’t at class or why an assignment is late. That is where the accommodations come in, I get accommodations through the Disability Services on campus. They help a lot because I can’t make it to class or get homework done because I physically can’t either, get out of bed or focus enough on anything. That is the worst. When I physically feel somewhat ok but can’t focus.
I know what you’re thinking too, how am I going to be able to graduate or have a real full-time job. I honestly don’t know. What I do know, is that I have made it this far…
I try to keep a positive attitude on my bad days and when I have good days I try to forget about my illness and get as much stuff as I can physically get done. Sometimes it isn’t much but most times it is enough.
Every day is a new challenge with always having symptoms coming and going. But it is a part of my life and I can’t change that. No matter how hard I try to stay healthy and follow doctors’ orders I am still going to be living with this illness.
