Living with a constant worry
I worry. All the time I worry. I am always stressed out, 100% of the time. I've never been truly relaxed. I've never been at piece in my head. I think it could be because I overthink everything. I replay every event, and it I don't replay it, I think of it through some different outcome. I've never admitted to this problem, but it is a problem.
Being a full time student and working part time can def put an impact on someone. I keep my grades high, and my record clean. I do the best I can in my day-to-day life, because I want the best out of it. But I'm not perfect; I certainly am not. But again, I try to be the best I can. But sometimes I see how others act around me. I see that sometimes they can just stop caring, they can just do something half-hazardous and be okay with that. And that baffles me. I was pushed as a child to give EVERYTHING my all, and that stays with me now, and forever. It's weird, sometimes I envy the capability to just relax, to just say "ahhhh that's good enough." I cannot do that, physically or mentally, it's not in my nature. But then I look at what I have, I look at my grades, my life, where I am, and I know if I weren't the driven person I am, I wouldn't have any of this. I would be as successful as I am. I would strive to be the best I can be, to rock the socks off of everything I do, the best I can.
I don't know what it's is like to have "prescribed" anxiety, but if it is anything near what I experience, I cannot even IMAGINE what it feels like. I worry about things I can't even control, things so far in the future the average person doesn't even think about. Sometimes my head hurts because my mind constantly plays, and replays, and re-evaluates every detail in my life. Sometimes it's a good things, other times I wish I could just turn it off...ya know?
That being said, its EXHAUSTING being me, it's EXHAUSTING to always be in a good mood, to always be the "go-getter." It's EXHAUSTING to know that I can never be still, my head will never have anything but smashing waves rather than a ripple, even at my calmest. But, that being said, it's also LIBERATING to know I can kick a$$ without even trying, I can do hard work and appreciate it. It's LIBERATING to have such a drive, to always want to do rather than wait. It's LIBERATING to be me.
When you're at your lowest, think of your best, when you're struggling, think of success, when you're down, rise up.
