Most people wake up daily, prepared to take on their day, knowing what needs to be done for them to feel accomplished, and they simply make it happen. Nothing has to be completely perfect to them. Those same people feel unaffected by small bumps in the road, and continue on their day as need be.
... As a diagnosed perfectionist, that is NOT how I go about my days.
Out of fear of disappointing others, I never say no. I keep far beyond what I can handle on my plate. Starting long before my alarm clock goes off, I am tossing and turning from dreams sparked by anxiety, reminding me of everything that needs to be done that day. Right from the get go, I see the day as black or white.
On a black day: I wake up feeling restless because of the anxiety dreams and I lay in bed until my alarm goes off, just completely dreading the day, I subconsciously convince myself that I'm no good for anything that day, therefore the level of effort I exert is a big fat ZERO. It feels as if it takes my three times the effort to get out of bed, let alone leave for the day feeling determined, or have any care at all for what I have to do that day. I feel careless, a lack in motivation, and extremely depressed. I live the day with low confidence and feeling stuck in a bubble, I put little to no effort in my school work, and getting exercise is my last priority. I end up wasting the day in procrastination, making my anxiety awful, and often lashing out by spending time doing things I really shouldn't be. All I can think about on a black day, is going back to bed and hoping to restart tomorrow.
On a white day: I jump out of bed with determination post anxiety dreams, feeling nothing but motivated to crush today's goals (the list is endless, thanks to the perfectionist in me). I make one kick ass breakfast, dress to success, and head out the door for what is going to be a perfect day. I focus extremely hard in my classes, take the most detailed notes, and have the most intense workout ever. My eating is as healthy as can be, and I don't sit down once until EVERYTHING I need to accomplish PERFECTLY is done.
A white day is nicer than a black day, but too many causes me to be so busy that I start to sacrifice relationships with people that are important to me, just because it feels like I can't make time for them. I take so many responsibilities onto my plate, making it hard to remember to prioritize my friends and family.
Please know, perfect is not always as perfect as it seems. Life is about finding balance, and as a diagnosed perfectionist, finding balance is my biggest struggle.
