Mental illness is a topic that is very taboo to some. It is very difficult to talk about, and very difficult to explain when someone does not suffer from a mental illness. Every mental illness is different. Some could be more severe than others. There are different types of mental illnesses however for me, the two I was diagnosed with was clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder. Both are completely different disorders. Both control my life on an everyday basis. There is not a day that goes by where I am stopped from doing something I love because of depression or anxiety.
Anxiety is one that I feel like controls my life the most. It is hard to control and many do not understand that. Many people do not understand what I feel on an everyday basis so, I am going to paint a picture for you. Just try and picture yourself in my shoes. Imagine waking up every single morning feeling scared and afraid. Scared of the day to come. Scared for how the day may pan out. Scared for your future. Some days you have no idea why you are even scared. Some days you could pin point every single reason as to why you may be feeling this way. Some days you can not physically move from your bed. Its as if your body forgets how to work and how to move. All you can do is lay there and think. Lay there with your mind empty, or full to the point of explosion. Your mind races with thoughts and some days your mind could be racing, but be completely empty. Imagine doing the littlest of tasks, but becoming extremely anxious over it. Imagine wanting to go hang out with a group of friends but can’t because you know how much anxiety that brings you. Every task is a struggle. Imagine being stopped everyday from doing something you may love so much but always have that thought in your mind that you cannot do it. Walking through school is terrifying. Talking in front of people is terrifying. Asking people for help is terrifying. You get these irrational thoughts that no one likes you and that everyone gets annoyed by you. You feel as if you are the most annoying person on earth even when people tell you that you are not. This is how it feels to live with anxiety. It consumes your mind.
With depression, it comes and goes for weeks at a time. It could last a week, a month, or even a year. Once again I am going to paint you a small picture of what it feels to suffer with depression. So try to put yourself in my shoes. Imagine waking up sad and angry. Getting out of bed every single day is a struggle. It feels as if there are 20 pound weights on each shoulder weighing you down as you get out of bed. You feel upset. Upset for no reason. You just feel this sense of sadness and loneliness. You feel like the loneliest person on earth even when you know that you have hundreds of people standing behind you. You cry for no reason. You do not understand what is making you cry but all you know is that you are sad and tears are rolling down your face. You put on these “masks” to hide the sadness so no one would ask “what’s wrong?” or “are you oka You hate when people see you upset. The word “fine” becomes used so often that it does not even seem like a word anymore. Imagine being in a room with every light on but to you, its as if no lights are even on. The darkness consumes you. You see no light at the end of the tunnel and you feel as if there will never be an escape. You wake up every morning praying that this feeling goes away. You count the days till you can smile again and actually mean it. You want your friends to understand so bad but you know its so hard for them to, even if they try. You want to feel happy and normal but no matter what you try, you can’t. This is how it feels to live with depression.
Living with a mental illness is an everyday battle. It will not go away and there will not be medication to make it magically go away however, there are ways to cope and learn to live with what you are dealing with. Just know that no matter what you may feel, your feelings are valid and you have every right to feel the way you feel no matter what people may say about it. You are not crazy if you suffer from depression. You are not psycho if you worry about everything. You are not any different if you need to take a medication. Medication works differently with everyone. Some may need it and some may not however, if one does needs medication and the other does not, that doesn’t make them any different or any less of a person. You are a person and a person has the right to feel whatever he or she wants to feel.
