Relationships generally start out pretty great. If the first month or two had not been awesome, there’s a good chance you would not have found a reason to start the relationship in the first place. You get excited about getting to know someone. There are the butterflies and the nervousness. There’s all of the firsts that you look forward to: first kiss, first date, first time meeting their friends, etc. You think you’ve met someone pretty great.
You get to know each other and you meet each other’s families and you fall for them bit by bit. You start to picture a future together and plan out trips and dates. You create a space for them in your heart.
Toxic relationships usually start out just like any other. They start out great with all of the butterflies and fun dates. Sometimes you don’t realize you’re heading into a toxic relationship until you’re so far in that you already have deep-rooted feelings and you don’t even really realize how toxic it is.
Sometimes everyone around you knows your relationship is toxic and your best friends beg you to get out while you’re ahead. But a lot of times, no one knows how bad it is and you won’t even admit it to yourself.
You don’t want to admit that it’s your fault, but you don’t want to blame the person you’re dating either. After all, you’re the one who made them mad and that’s why they reacted the way they did, right? So it’d be bad to blame them, but you know you’re not really responsible deep down. The thing is, toxic relationships are no one’s fault really.
Most likely, neither of you are bad people. You got to know each other really well. You got to know exactly what makes each other happy, and you found out exactly what made each other mad. You know their favorite candy and what kind of movies they like. You love their smile and the way you feel when you’re driving around with the window down holding hands. You feel comforted just hugging them. You love how smart they are and their stupid sense of humor. When things are good, they’re amazing because you know how to make each other the happiest possible—when you want to.
But when things are bad, they get really, really terrible because you know the exact things to say or do that will spark their fuse. You know that mentioning their ex will hit a chord. They know that you’re insecure about your body. You know they’re sensitive about certain topics. It’s not that you’re bad people--it’s that you’re bad together.
But if you’re so bad together, then why can’t you just leave? You’re tired of feeling exhausted and you’re tired of fighting. So why stay?
It’s a question I asked myself so many times. “I’m not 100% happy, but I’m not happy when I’m apart from him either. Wouldn’t it just be better to keep him in my life and hope things get better? I got invested bit by bit. I met his family and they’re amazing and they make me feel like I belong. His mom invited me to family events months ahead of time. We made plans to go to on trips together and we made plans for cute dates. I thought, “I can’t leave over this fight, because in a month we are going to go to the fair and I just know it’s going to be so much fun with him.” You can always find a reason to hold on. It’s not hard if you’re looking for a reason.
But don’t you both deserve to find someone who won’t bring out the worst in you? Don’t you deserve to be truly happy? So at some point, you have to find a way to dig yourself out of a toxic relationship. You have to decide to stop being weak, and you have to force yourselves to part ways. You have to care enough about each other enough to want better for each other. There are people that you have a real future with—you just have to be willing to want better for yourself and raise your expectations and standards. It’s a situation where being selfish is absolutely okay. You have to be selfish and want a relationship with someone that will serve you and your best interests as much as you’ll serve theirs.
Don’t settle for a toxic relationship, no matter how much it hurts to part ways from it. It will just feel that much better when you find someone that really is the right person for you.
