Alright, we’ve all been there or seen a friend there: You’ve been with the guy for 2 months, maybe even 2 years, but it is just not working anymore. He doesn’t treat you well and you aren’t happy. But you just cannot get yourself to break it off. Instead, you justify your reasoning with some pretty lame excuses (no offense). Here are the top 5 reasons you give to your friends to justify remaining in an unfulfilling relationship and why they don’t hold ground.

1. You believe you can change him.

I believe this is one of the most common reasons girls stay in an unfulfilling relationship. He’s just too sarcastic, he doesn’t believe in the same God as you do, or he doesn’t seem capable of loving anyone but himself. But you fully believe you can change that. If you try really hard, your sweetness will rub off on him and his sarcasm will dissolve away. If you bring him to church enough Sundays, surely he’ll convert. And if you stay with him long enough, you can be the girl that finally shows him what love is, and that he is indeed capable of feeling it.

I’m sorry to have to break this to you, but my friend, you cannot change another human being. Not now, not ever. People are who they are, and if who they are does not line up with who you are and what you want, then it will do you no good to try to “fix” them. Your time would be more wisely spent looking for someone who shares your values and has the qualities you are looking for in a partner.

2. You want to prove something.

I’m going to go ahead and guess that you are of the Type A variety (nothing wrong with that!). You do not fail and you live for competition. Sadly, you see that the relationship just needs to end, but that would mean it failed: totally unacceptable. That, in and of itself, is enough for you to stay in a relationship that’s otherwise long gone. It’s also very possible that you not only want to prove the relationship to be a success for your own benefit, but also for the world. You really do not want to hear “I told you so” from the parentals, or see the knowing looks from your friends. And the possibility of ending up “just like all those high school-into-college relationships” (over in a matter of months) is just unbearable. You, my darling, are willing to put up with an unhappy relationship as long as it means you’re proving your success as a girlfriend and your difference from the rest of the world.

If this is you, allow me to be the first (maybe not, but who knows?) to say that ending a relationship that simply isn’t working does not classify as a failure. In fact, I’d say it means it was an absolute success! You put yourself out there, you tried, you loved, and now you see what you really want more clearly than ever. Now, you’re one step closer to finding “the One.” And if you happen to be staying in a relationship to prove something to society, please stop. You do not owe society any explanation of your own choices, and you certainly needn’t allow society to influence the length of your relationship. It’s actually a really neat thing: trying different relationships until we finally find “the One” is one of the few things that each of us has in common. During this life, we’re all just trying to find that person who will stay with us through it all and help us become who we’re meant to be. Why stay in a relationship if you know it isn’t right? Don’t worry, sweetie, you’ll find your Prince.

3. You’ve become super close with his family.

You’ve been together for so long, his family is like an extension of your own family. You go shopping with his sister, talk sports with his dad, and text cute little “Happy Friday” texts to his mother. So what are you supposed to do when he just isn’t working anymore? You can’t imagine missing out on Family Movie Night or babysitting his little cousin. Maybe you’ll just stay with him so you don’t have too many goodbyes all at once…

Okay. Take it from someone who has shopped, texted, gotten ice cream, and befriended multiple siblings’ significant others: The family is not a good enough reason to remain in the relationship. Sure, they might be a really great family and you mesh really well with them, but if you and your boyfriend aren’t happy in the relationship then the family can’t fix that. You might miss them, as you probably won’t be seeing them as often after the breakup, but you’ll survive. There will be other great families who will love you just as much. And who knows, his little sister might still text you every now and again asking for makeup tips and boy advice.

4. You don’t want to hurt him.

As a fellow sensitive girl, I feel you. Hurting another person is one of the worst feelings ever, especially if it can be avoided altogether. The relationship might not be working for you, but that doesn’t mean you don’t value your significant other and his/her feelings. However, remaining in an unfulfilling relationship to spare his feelings will not only hurt you, but it will also hurt him. You will both be in a relationship that is not making you happy, which means neither of you will be putting in 100%. Time that you are spending in this unhappy relationship is time that you could both be spending looking for someone who is better suited for you. Depriving your now-BF of the chance to find someone else to make him happy will hurt him more than pulling the trigger and ending it now. Trust me.

5. You’re scared.

It’s okay to admit it. Fear seems to be incredibly common within love and relationships. First there’s the fear of love itself and allowing people to get close to you, seeing your quirks and imperfections. Then, you finally get over that fear and find someone who makes you want to put your guard down. But…it’s just not working with that person anymore. He doesn’t seem to be trying to keep you as much as he tried to get you. He lacks basic communication skills. He disagrees with just about everything you say, and insults the things you love (Harry Pothead? I mean, come on.). So it’s clear to you that he is not “the One,” yet you can’t bring yourself to break up with him. Why? You’re scared.

Ending something that has become so routine, so comfortable, can be incredibly scary. This guy is here, he’s yours. You have a boy to take to Formals, and cuddle with on cold nights, and use as a pillow as you Netflix binge. It’s hard to think about giving all that up just to become that lonely, single friend, despite the undeniably sinking relationship you are currently in. I get it. But, I promise that as scary as it may be to leave the comfortable, it will be incredibly rewarding to get out of the dry, unhappy cycle you’re currently trapped in, and move to a new chapter of your life. Take the chance. You’re unhappy in this relationship anyway, you might as well get out of it and try to find happiness on your own

So, my friends, you’ve now seen your own excuses and I’ve debunked them. You’re welcome! I urge you now to have the courage to break up with that deadbeat BF of yours (Trust me, he’s a loser). You must always remember how beautiful and amazing and one-of-a-kind you are. Any man who doesn’t see that—or doesn’t treat you like that—does not deserve you in any way. I promise there is a man out there who will try to win you over even after he’s already gotten you; a man who knows what he has and treats you like the sheer AWESOMENESS that you are. Don’t be afraid to give up what you have and go for what you want. In this life, you only have so much time to find that special someone and seize the love that you crave. It doesn’t make sense to waste your time with someone who makes you feel anything but joy.

XOXO,

Your Friend Who Just Wants You to be Happy