I wrote this to my grandmother on November 10th, 2016, I sent it to her via Facebook messenger as I have no other means to send her messages. I know she will never receive these, but in my heart I hope that she will get these messages somehow. She died when I was in 8th grade of cancer. This will likely to be the first of many letters that I will write to her, as she is someone who changed my life so greatly.
It's been quite a while since I've seen you last, about 6 years. The last time I saw you were laying in a hospital bed, your skin completely yellowed from the cancer, I want you to know that I don't think of you like that when I remember you, I think of you full of life on our summer adventures that occurred in my middle school years, I remember you on Christmas and Thanksgiving, I remember you toasting pumpkin seeds and making me tea, telling me about all of your life stories. I can honestly say that the years since you've passed have been some of the hardest ones of my life. I know it wouldn't make you happy to hear that I've struggled with everything from petty drama to suicidal thoughts and self destructive tendencies. What would you have told me in these situations? I know you would've been able to find a way to help me, you always knew what to say, what advice to give, you always had an answer. I wonder if you could see the blossoming signs of mental illness back then.
It's funny, I remember us shopping one day and you saying that the next time you would have to buy a dress would be for my high school graduation, but the sad part is that you never got to do that, you never got to see me graduate, or throw my cap in the air with my graduating class, you didn't get to clap and shout in pride with my family and friends as I walked across the stage accepting my diploma. You'll never see me get married, or the great things that I hope to achieve in my life. I thought I would mention that you would probably need another dress for my dad's wedding later that summer. Would you have watched me laughing with my friends? Would you have tossed bean bags with us and the younger children? Would you have spent the night and woken up to see my best friend Phoebe and me doing silly things once morning came? In high school would you have come to as many of my color guard performances that you could have? I'm sure all of these answers are yes, but I'll never know.
Sometimes I think back to the last me you ever knew, I was only in 8th grade, I was so young, you were so young, you were too young to go. Were you proud of me? Were you impressed by the young teenager I was becoming? Would you be proud of me now? Because now I'm a freshman in college, struggling still with things like anxiety and depression, struggling with silly drama at school and even family drama. Would you have been the one to push me to go to a school somewhere new and different? Instead of convincing me that it was my best choice to stay in town for school.
I've been missing you a lot more lately than ever before because of how much I wonder what you would think of me. I miss you more because I see my dad's cousin post on Facebook, pictures of your sister, who is in a slowly degrading state, the one that takes too many loved one from families, she's still here struggling with Alzheimer's. She looks like you, I see your sisterly resemblance every time he makes a post, and I miss you more with every picture of her. I'm not very religious, so I'm not sure where you are, if anywhere. However, I often wonder if you're looking down from heaven, or maybe you're watching me from another body, I'm not sure, but I really do miss you a lot. Thank you for being the best grandma I could ever ask for, I hope to see you again.
