Letters You’ll Never Read: Days 21-28

Day 21: I get to see G-Eazy tonight, so I only wrote about what happened in therapy today. I find it important to tell you since you’re why I’m going.

“I can’t fully forgive myself for messing things up, but I can stop “punishing” myself, so the last week I’ve worked on that. I worked on it by trying to get up before 3pm, hanging out with people, meeting new people, and finding peace in nature and the warmer weather.”

“Things have been confusing and I’ve had a lot of fear constantly being present in my life”

“I’m honestly very confused at this point as to what I should do. It’s back and forth for me. I expressed how the confusion makes some days worse than others…”

Day 22: I saw Phora perform last night. You were the one that introduced me to him. We also talked today, and a lot of things changed.

“Phora hit me more than I had expected. I knew I’d cry during I Think I Love You, which I did, but I cried to all of his songs”

“I do encourage you to go listen to Fake Smiles by Phora and listen to the lyrics because it’s how I feel since losing you”

“The other crazy thing that happened today was you. I saw your guard come down just a little, but it’s still something huge to me.”

“I also finally got you to admit that you want me happy and you still care about me. You have no clue how much it meant to hear that from you”

“Hopefully our talk next week doesn’t end up with you cutting contact with me”

Day 23: I had the worse anxiety attack of my life tonight. I literally felt like I was about to die.

“At that point I was overthinking stuff and I thought deep about my life and I began thinking about how you’re not in it anymore, so I actually felt okay if I died then and there. I wasn’t afraid to die.”

“I thought I was pretty much over you but wow those emotions for you are very real.”

“I can’t pretend those emotions aren’t there. It’s tough.”

Day 24: Today was hard and after that anxiety attack, my emotions for you are very present and evident. I can’t repress them anymore.

“Honestly this is the kind of letter I don’t want to write”

“I’m not over you. I want to be and I tell myself I am because overtime I’ll believe it.”

“No matter how much I distract myself, you’re the first thing on my mind in the mornings and you’re the last thing on my mind at night”

“You know when we first got together I was hesitant…I had just been destroyed by a different guy, and I thought you’d ruin me…I was afraid of love, yet something about you made me believe again”

“I should honestly be mad and hate you and want to ruin your life, but you know that behind the walls and masks, I care about everyone…just like you.”

“I’ve told myself over and over that you have no hope in us anymore and you don’t love me, but the feelings wont go away”

“Whether you’re reading this because things are okay with us or, the unfortunate case, you cut contact with me, I want you to know it’s you. It’s us. Always has been.”

Day 25: I broke. I really feel like I can’t take living in this pain anymore.

“I knew you were a big part of my life, but not this much. When you left, you took a big chunk of me with you.”

“I’m tired of fighting your wall. I’m tired of the act. You told me the other day ‘we can all be actors’ and we both know what you were really talking about.

“You’re lost and I’m stuck. I just don’t know if I’ll be around any longer, or for much longer at least”

Day 26: Your wall is back up. Today was a very eventful day…Taylor Swift knows who I am as of today. All because of you.

“It’s crazy how one little thing can make or break happiness”

“We talked last night, and that wall is right back up. I had thought it’d stay down, but I’m not surprised you decided to put it back up. I KNOW she’s the reason for that. You two honestly aren’t going to last, mark my word on that. She’s too insecure”

“She (Taylor Swift) knows where I’m sitting on tour, she knows my face, she knows I’ve been struggling, she knows about the J necklace, the breakup, and she knows your name, I wish she knew of you for a happy reason…”

“I miss you. The actual you. I hate this fake you—fake attitude, fake carelessness, fake love, and fake happiness.”

“Everything will be okay from here on out…just don’t leave”

Day 27 (afternoon): I wrote two entries today. This is how I’m feeling in the afternoon. We are supposed to meet tomorrow to have our talk…the one where you will cut contact with me after.

“I’m actually happy right now and I don’t want that to crash around me. I wont be able to bear the pain, and that terrifies me.”

Day 27 (night):


I can’t write to you right now. I’m sick of this shit. I deserve better. I’m going to call you.”

DAY 28: I’m writing the whole letter out here.


One month. One month since my world went from extremely bright to completely dark. I tried so hard last night. You aren’t yourself around her. I thought it would be you to cut contact with me. But it was me. You don’t know the strength I had to do that. I woke up feeling better than I thought. I told you that you won, but really I did. I won my life back. You lost. Lost someone that cared for you more than anyone ever will—more than she ever will.”

"And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean" -Clean by Taylor Swift.

Goodbye, J.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Politics and Activism

4 Ways The Plan To Deport International Students Is Dumb, According To An Exchange Student

The whole policy isn't very stay-in-place, if you ask me.

Wikimedia Commons

On Monday, July 6, new federal guidelines were announced that do not allow international students to remain in the U.S. unless they are taking classes in person. Which, if you ask me, is stupid.

Keep Reading... Show less

Naya Rivera Is Missing, And She Deserves SO Much More Than Being Labeled 'Big Sean's' Ex'

We are all sending prayers to Naya Rivera hoping she finds them so we can find her.

I woke up this morning looking to find Naya Rivera's name trending No. 1 on Twitter. I was reading all of everyone's prayers wishing to find her so she can be reunited with her baby boy who is only 4 years old.

Naya's son's name is Lord and the entire collective is hoping the Lord is with him right now. I'm a firm believer in the Fear of God, I hope all of Naya's love is protecting Lord right now.

Keep Reading... Show less

With the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic still surging in the United States, where we are averaging 50,000 cases daily, wearing a face mask has become even more important. Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation's top infectious disease expert, has stressed the importance of wearing a mask and is pleading Americans to take notice of the "disturbing" rise in cases. It would be common sense to listen to him, considering we are dealing with a virus that has a mortality rate higher than what we have seen with other viruses.

Keep Reading... Show less

10 Sex Toys You NEED To Turn Up The Heat This Summer

They say diamonds are a girl's best friend, but...

It's your fairy sex godmother back at it again and here to tell you that masturbating is an essential need, just like toilet paper.

It comes with so many benefits, besides cumming. According to the New York City Health Department, "you are your safest sex partner" during a pandemic, so why not use the best toys to get the job done? Shopping for the best fit can be tricky because there are a few factors to consider — whether it's the price point, experience, sound, and more.

Keep Reading... Show less

These 3 Smoothies Totally Cleared My Acne-Prone And Scarred Skin

How I drank my way to flawless skin.

With this summer being the first of its kind for most people to be in the midst of a global pandemic, almost everyone is beginning to have an overall focus on improving their health.

Keep Reading... Show less

Everyone remembers the first time they went to one of the Disney parks. Spinning in teacups and having Goofy wrap his arms around my 8-year-old self were some of my fondest childhood memories, and I'm surely not alone in that.

Keep Reading... Show less

These Superfood Beauty Products Show Kale And Matcha Work For SO Much More Than We Thought

Just another summer's day with a cold glass of kombucha on my face.

I've been vegan for about six years now, so a love for fresh vegetables and superfoods has now become a core part of my being. Don't get me wrong. I love my indulgent, creamy pastas and truffle fries more than anyone. But I keep most of my focus on eating clean and healthy so I can indulge guilt-free.

But I'd say about a large part of my diet has always, unknowingly, included superfoods. Being Indian, lentils, beetroot, garlic, ginger, and whole grains have been core essentials on the family dinner table since I could digest solid foods.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments