Day 21: I get to see G-Eazy tonight, so I only wrote about what happened in therapy today. I find it important to tell you since you’re why I’m going.
“I can’t fully forgive myself for messing things up, but I can stop “punishing” myself, so the last week I’ve worked on that. I worked on it by trying to get up before 3pm, hanging out with people, meeting new people, and finding peace in nature and the warmer weather.”
“Things have been confusing and I’ve had a lot of fear constantly being present in my life”
“I’m honestly very confused at this point as to what I should do. It’s back and forth for me. I expressed how the confusion makes some days worse than others…”
Day 22: I saw Phora perform last night. You were the one that introduced me to him. We also talked today, and a lot of things changed.
“Phora hit me more than I had expected. I knew I’d cry during I Think I Love You, which I did, but I cried to all of his songs”
“I do encourage you to go listen to Fake Smiles by Phora and listen to the lyrics because it’s how I feel since losing you”
“The other crazy thing that happened today was you. I saw your guard come down just a little, but it’s still something huge to me.”
“I also finally got you to admit that you want me happy and you still care about me. You have no clue how much it meant to hear that from you”
“Hopefully our talk next week doesn’t end up with you cutting contact with me”
Day 23: I had the worse anxiety attack of my life tonight. I literally felt like I was about to die.
“At that point I was overthinking stuff and I thought deep about my life and I began thinking about how you’re not in it anymore, so I actually felt okay if I died then and there. I wasn’t afraid to die.”
“I thought I was pretty much over you but wow those emotions for you are very real.”
“I can’t pretend those emotions aren’t there. It’s tough.”
Day 24: Today was hard and after that anxiety attack, my emotions for you are very present and evident. I can’t repress them anymore.
“Honestly this is the kind of letter I don’t want to write”
“I’m not over you. I want to be and I tell myself I am because overtime I’ll believe it.”
“No matter how much I distract myself, you’re the first thing on my mind in the mornings and you’re the last thing on my mind at night”
“You know when we first got together I was hesitant…I had just been destroyed by a different guy, and I thought you’d ruin me…I was afraid of love, yet something about you made me believe again”
“I should honestly be mad and hate you and want to ruin your life, but you know that behind the walls and masks, I care about everyone…just like you.”
“I’ve told myself over and over that you have no hope in us anymore and you don’t love me, but the feelings wont go away”
“Whether you’re reading this because things are okay with us or, the unfortunate case, you cut contact with me, I want you to know it’s you. It’s us. Always has been.”
Day 25: I broke. I really feel like I can’t take living in this pain anymore.
“I knew you were a big part of my life, but not this much. When you left, you took a big chunk of me with you.”
“I’m tired of fighting your wall. I’m tired of the act. You told me the other day ‘we can all be actors’ and we both know what you were really talking about.
“You’re lost and I’m stuck. I just don’t know if I’ll be around any longer, or for much longer at least”
Day 26: Your wall is back up. Today was a very eventful day…Taylor Swift knows who I am as of today. All because of you.
“It’s crazy how one little thing can make or break happiness”
“We talked last night, and that wall is right back up. I had thought it’d stay down, but I’m not surprised you decided to put it back up. I KNOW she’s the reason for that. You two honestly aren’t going to last, mark my word on that. She’s too insecure”
“She (Taylor Swift) knows where I’m sitting on tour, she knows my face, she knows I’ve been struggling, she knows about the J necklace, the breakup, and she knows your name, I wish she knew of you for a happy reason…”
“I miss you. The actual you. I hate this fake you—fake attitude, fake carelessness, fake love, and fake happiness.”
“Everything will be okay from here on out…just don’t leave”
Day 27 (afternoon): I wrote two entries today. This is how I’m feeling in the afternoon. We are supposed to meet tomorrow to have our talk…the one where you will cut contact with me after.
“I’m actually happy right now and I don’t want that to crash around me. I wont be able to bear the pain, and that terrifies me.”
Day 27 (night):
I can’t write to you right now. I’m sick of this shit. I deserve better. I’m going to call you.”
DAY 28: I’m writing the whole letter out here.
One month. One month since my world went from extremely bright to completely dark. I tried so hard last night. You aren’t yourself around her. I thought it would be you to cut contact with me. But it was me. You don’t know the strength I had to do that. I woke up feeling better than I thought. I told you that you won, but really I did. I won my life back. You lost. Lost someone that cared for you more than anyone ever will—more than she ever will.”
"And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean" -Clean by Taylor Swift.