Dear My Old Self,

The number of things I could warn you about between then and now is endless. I can’t warn you about everything because that would mean you can’t make your own choices and I know how much you like to make decisions for yourself and not let anyone tell you what to do. If there’s one thing I can tell you its, heed my warnings they will help you make the best choice you can knowing what I know now. If you don’t you will regret the choice I know you are going to make because I already do.

Don’t let people push you around physically or emotionally. You allowed someone you thought you loved to lay a hand on you more than once because you thought he wouldn’t do it again. You’re wrong! He’s going to do it again. His hand left prints around your neck because he could and you allowed it. He pushed you to the breaking point to the point you had to stitch up your own wounds. Throwing the blood covered clothes you had into a place to burn so no one would see them or find them. You didn’t tell anyone either because you thought the people would only make it worse and you didn’t want to get him into trouble but you needed to. Once he broke up with you, yes you were sad but you had that sense of relief that he wouldn’t ever do it again. The tears you shed were for yourself and you blamed yourself and thought you did something wrong when you didn’t. He made you feel worthless but then showered you with flowers and a ring and he would promise up and down that he wouldn’t hurt you again. Every time you forgave him and enabled him to keep doing the nasty things to make you feel like dirt.

Family comes first over anyone other than your children. You got into a huge fight with your family and you shut them out. You gave yourself little people who love you the chance to help you in your biggest time of need until months later. Don’t allow issues that you and your family fought about linger to the point you can’t have a relationship with them that you have fought for. Allow your family to help you when you need it most. When you are at your lowest point and you're reaching out a hand let them grab it and help you out of the darkness you are in. You won’t understand this until you are where I am now and you are having your first child. Don’t put your children second! If they tell you someone hurt them and you don’t believe them, they aren’t going to be so quick to tell you about something else that hurt them because of that reaction you gave them. If your son isn’t doing well in school and asks you for help with homework take the time and help him. Your father always put his work over his family and this made you so angry and so alone that when he was home you had to fight for his attention over your step-mom because he wouldn’t pay you any mind. Good or bad attention, you wanted to be noticed and not feel like just a picture on the wall that everyone walks by.

The man you love isn’t always out to hurt you. Don’t hold your past experiences of male figures against him. You are going to find this man who loves you for who you are and wants nothing more than for you to be happy. Yes, you had some bad experiences with male figures in your life but let him in. You can be cautious but talk to him when something is bothering you. The more you hold what’s bothering you in the more you are going to let it sit and stir and become distance and he won’t realize what he did wrong. He can’t read your mind! This man wants you to be open with him and he wants to love you. Don’t make it harder than it already is. You two will go through some really rough times, even put each other in tears but you know in your heart if he’s the one for you. You won’t be able to stomach to imagine him with another woman. You will fight with everything you have to love him until you know he doesn’t anymore. You will smile every time you get a text from him and you will wait up until he gets home from work if he had a bad night just to make sure he’s okay and to hug him so tight. You know that he would do the exact same thing just for you too.

You are going to go through loss, some greater loss than others but still loss. You are not going to know how to handle the death of a loved one but one thing I can tell you is it's okay to break down out of nowhere to cry. Certain things are going to remind you of this loved one and you are just not going to be able to handle it right then, but in time you will. Let your family and other half help you through this loss. Your family is one of the most supportive in this time so lean on them. The man you have as your significant other will be up with you whenever you wake up screaming into your pillow and crying to hold you and tell you it’s going to be okay. This man has held you through all the nightmares that you wake up from where you can’t breathe and you are shaking and crying. Let this loss teach you different lessons. This loved one had a major role in your life, causing you lots of hurt and anger but also taught you what you needed to know growing up to be independent. The quicker you realize this loss was out of your control and not your fault the quicker you can start to heal.

Like I said before I can’t tell you everything that you are going to go through because some of these things you are going to have to learn on your own. I am your 21-year-old self. I am having your first son with a man who loves me. Your family is overjoyed with having their 3^rd grandchild. Your relationship with your siblings is a work in progress but that’s okay. Your father is still at a distance after the hurt you and him have gone through. Your mother is one of your closest family members you have. Keep your mother and siblings close because they are the ones who have helped you in your darkest times and biggest loss. You are almost a year clean of self-harm. Don’t give that up! You are a full-time student in college and it can be a struggle but you have plenty of people to motivate you. Just remember one thing, you are loved beyond what you know and you can be the best mother you can be for your son. You have to keep pushing on even if you want to give up.

Sincerely,

Your 21-Year-Old Self