If I had to describe myself sincerely, only one word comes to mind. I wouldn’t be able to tell you when or how it started, but at this point, this single word has come to encompass my entire existence. Sometimes I even wonder if I’m still human. I find myself constantly looking, no, chasing for some sense of purpose. What is it exactly that I’m passionate about at this age and at this time of my life? Nothing. Nothing seems to spark any genuine interest in me. Nothing appears to give me any real motivation, not anymore at least. Nevertheless, I can’t help but lie to myself, hoping that someday I might just convince myself.
There was a time in my life that it almost worked. However, I was shaken forcefully back into reality. Before she left, she had told me that “I need to learn to love myself.” While I didn’t grasp it then, it made me realize that I had just been living in a fantasy world. I hadn’t been living for the most important person—myself. That’s something I can’t seem to do. I have even grown to resent for those who I live for and are there every day of my life. After all, what’s the point of living when everything just feels so empty and bare? Everything feels pointless. When I think about the futility of it all, the anxiety begins to creep in, and it drives me insane. Sometimes the anxiety drives me more so than I already am.
The only way I honestly know how to cope with this emotion with all this emptiness, is by surrounding myself in sorrow. I let myself wallow in self-pity, and for once I think, at least I’m still human. At least I still feel something, something real. Everything else just feels so fake. I rather just avoid it all by spending the whole day in bed, not doing anything in particular, not even sleeping sometimes. Even so, I’m still tired. I’m so sick of living behind a façade. I’m so tired of pretending everything is all right. It’s not. Even when things were finally starting to look my way, it seemed that the world was bent on bringing me back down. I was never tough enough. I don’t know if I ever will be. I don’t think I ever will be.
Sincerely, Me
