Nightmares hit us when we least expect them: right when we're asleep, when we’ve just closed our eyes, when we're ready for a nice dream. My nightmare never ends. My nightmares even come to life during the day. Sometimes when I blink my eyes, if even for a second. Sometimes when I'm at a party, filled with friendly faces. Sometimes when I am just by myself, locked inside myself. This is to you, my nightmare.
You like to remind me whenever I close my eyes, of the pleas for help, the teary eyes. You try to make me helpless. You try to take me from myself. You remind me that life beats me down more than picks me up. You isolate me, keep me secluded, put a mask on me that says “everything is fine”. Just once, you drove me off the deep end, made me think I needed to live a life of drugs and alcohol just to think I was happy. I didn’t fall for this. To this, I say no more, I embrace you, because I know who I am: a man who will always cherish those around him, help those in need, and never fail to you again.
Not a night goes by where I don’t hear my own mother's cries for help as my father, a man that I was supposed to look up to, steals her breath with his own hands. I've always regretted not helping, because I knew all too well what would have happened to me. It wouldn’t be the first time I became a human punching bag for the man who was meant to protect me. Every night, you remind me of this, make me feel like a failure, like I lost. I see it every day, but every day I pick myself up and move on from it. Venomous rage once filled me, made me hateful, spiteful, a devil, but I will never sink that low again and you will never break me again. Countless reminders of beatings flow through my head throughout every day. I used to think it would make me crazy. Now, I think it's normal. This is what haunts me the most. I'll never forget the first day you made me think I needed painkillers to press on with my life. I went off speeding, just to come crashing down, all while lying to those around me.
To those of you who are just finding this out now, I am truly sorry. I wronged people, deserted those who needed me. All because you, my nightmare, I felt inadequate. I needed a rush to get by. I once tried to block you out by shouting, but you would always shout louder. I've been beat up and spit out numerous times, knocked to hell, but always scraped my way back. For this, I know that I am a better man and you, my nightmare, will never conquer me. You used to keep myself in fear that I would turn out like my father, but only now do I realize I will always be a step ahead of you.
I once thought I would be the same monster that hurt his wife, beat his son before he even knew how to count to yet. Now that I embrace you, along with my demons. I know deep down that I will never fall to those standards. To those out there reading this, if you have been beat down, led a life of drugs, became a criminal, or just down on your luck out there on the streets, you will always be able to pick yourself up. All it takes is one day at a time.
I once thought my happiness would be doomed with despair and tragedy, but after taking one step at a time, slowing down and putting one foot in front of the other, I am truly seeing what a beautiful world this is. I've lived through a house led by a violent man who made sure I knew what fear meant. I struggled with a minimum wage job to help make sure my own siblings could have what they needed, never met my actual father, been divorced by a woman who I once thought would love me forever, once depended on painkillers to get me through a part of high school to cancel out that inner pain, been hit with a disability that will forever affect my life, and I`m still standing here today and so are you. Don't ever think you're alone in this world.
Depression, anxiety, guilt, that feeling of not being good enough, they are all a cruel b*tch. Because you are not alone, there are many like us, those who know what true pain is like, the pain that tries to control us. Well, to my nightmare, I have this to say: you have failed to take my life away from me and you will never be something I can’t defeat.
Life may enjoy knocking me down, but I enjoy saying "screw you" and getting back up even more. If you feel like life has you down, join me in telling it "screw you", because we are all champions of our lives.
