An Open Letter To My First Love
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An Open Letter To My First Love

Our relationship was recent, sweet, and in the end... heart-wrenching.

An Open Letter To My First Love

To my first love,

For me, you were so many of my firsts. You were all of my first dates, all of my first good ideas, the first boy my family actually liked, the first guy I actually showed my whole heart to, the first guy I got to spoil rotten, my first love, and my first true heartbreak.

Before you, love was just a concept of something I knew I could feel. I didn't know what it meant, I didn't know how it felt, and I didn't know how long it would take to feel. I waited so long to let someone come close to my heart, but with you, I just thought my heart would be safe. It took me 18 years to know what love could do in my life and how it would make me feel. It didn't take me until after we were apart to realize that I loved you. It didn't take me until we were apart to realize that I do love you, and I will always love you.

Before we were together, you were my best friend. You were someone I wanted to come to first with any good or bad news, someone I could always count on to support me. You were the person I looked forward to seeing at school and hanging out with during lunch and free periods. You were the person I would go to for help with any and all of my problems. You were someone who would hold me when I cried and someone who would be rooting me on from the sidelines. When I saw you, my heart would always jump for joy, and while our circumstances for getting together were absolutely horrible, I think we made the best of it. I wanted to be that person for you.

With you, I thought every moment together felt like heaven. My focus was only on you and whether we were talking or completely silent, I knew I only wanted to be around you. I wanted to know about every thought that was running through your head. I wanted to know every secret, and I wanted you to trust me with everything. Good days, bad days, and everything in between, I wanted to experience with you. Every promise, long conversation, every feeling, every secret, ever fear, every hope and dream and passion, I wanted to share with you. I could've spent hours talking to you and listening to all of your stories and jokes. I could've spent an eternity looking into your eyes, holding your hand, and staying in your arms.

With you, while my heart still aches at the thought of you, and I miss you and everything we had every day, I have no regrets. I tried my best for the time being, and there was nothing else for me to do. I tried my best to make you happy and show you my love and admiration. Sometimes, it isn't meant to be. Sometimes feelings just fade, and sometimes communication doesn't work out. I put my entire heart and soul into what we had, and I can't say with confidence that you did. I don't have regrets, because I gave you everything I promised.

I love you with all my heart, and I miss my best friend. But I can't have you in my life again, I can't let you be in my life again, because it's not good for me. While we were together I ignored and pushed away any and every flaw you ever had because I thought it was just immaturity. I thought that if I stuck it out, you would grow out of it and grow into the person I know you could be. You would make me feel on top of the world and the most beautiful, perfect person. Yet way more often than it should have been, you made me feel horrible about myself. Your charming words made me forget about anxiety and my insecurities, but your actions made me develop new worries and insecurities that were never a problem.

With you, I learned so many things. I learned that I have so much love to give, and I love to show it. I learned that someone can accept me as I am, and I don't need to change myself for the person I like for me to like me. I have plenty of flaws and ugly moments, but despite that, you admired me, so another person will too. I also learned I need to take care of myself and to make my boundaries more clearly. No more empty promises. No more maybes. No more non-confrontation and avoiding our problems. Those only leave me heartbroken, confused, and anxious while you might have a clear conscious. Being with you wasn't a mistake, because it brought me so much joy and happiness. I wouldn't trade any of those moments, smiles, or memories for anything else in the world. With all that good, there were some lessons that needed to be learned. It did hurt, but we're both better off now.

I will always love you, and I will always cherish our memories, our friendship, and our relationship. Right now though, all you do is remind me of broken and empty promises. So as my seemingly last words to you:

If we were really meant to be, we will be. But for now, goodbye.

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