Letter to my Ex
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Letter to my Ex

I hope you're happy

Letter to my Ex

I keep looking over my shoulder hoping and wishing you'd be there. I keep looking down at my phone, waiting for you to say, "I'm sorry".

But the silence grew so loud and the loneliness consumed me, even when there was company around. Because when it isn't the right person, it doesn't matter who is there.

I needed something from you.

I needed you to need me the way I thought I needed you.

I needed you to want me, as deeply as I wanted you.

I wanted you to think of me, as much as I thought of you.

I wanted you to fight for me.

Because I refused to give up on you without a fight. I gave you a million chances. I wanted this thing to work, whatever it was, and I was willing to work.

I know it's supposed to be simple. But neither of us liked simplicity. We thought deeply about everything, exchanging intense looks. And somewhere in the midst of it, all my walls came crumbling down with just your touch. I thought yours did too. But there were chambers you weren't letting me through.

There were secrets you didn't tell me.

With your hand cupped in mine, I felt safe. I told you everything. You told me you were honest. You told me you were good. And I believed you. I trusted you. I wanted you to trust me too.

I didn't judge you for your past and you made me forget mine.

To me, your imperfections perfectly complimented my own.

Because somewhere between all of it, I got lost. I believed in you. And only you. I didn't have eyes for anyone else. 

Maybe I fell too fast. Maybe I fell too hard. But you were right there with me. You led me to believe that this was  something. I believed every word. Because they weren't just words but actions that followed.

Because somewhere between the clothes on the floor, and your fingers running through my hair,  I thought this was different. Because it wasn't just a physical thing, but there were emotions neither of us could deny were present. It felt different. Because you were different. We were different.

But somewhere along the way, something changed in you.

Eyes, that once adored me turned dark as they looked away. And all I wanted to do was fix it and make it better and go back.

But you made me feel like an idiot because I was willing to give you a million chances. Everyone kept asking why, but I thought I saw something in you. I thought there was something there. In fact, I know there still is.

Maybe all of it scared you as much as it did me. But I've believed that the best things in life are the things that scare you. And those are the things you gotta run toward, not run away from.

You made a fool of me and I was still willing to fight for you. I was still waiting. Because I wanted you to fight for me.

I'm not dumb. And i'm no fool. And I know this wasn't a fluke or some hookup. I know you felt it too.

Because with every single touch, I could feel it from my head to my toes. From every kiss, you left me wanting more. I wanted you, maybe more than I wanted anyone. I still do.

So when you are ready, and when you are ready to fight for me, i'll be here. The moment you realize you too would rather be alone than be without me, i'll be here to say I told you so. Because even with a broken heart, even with all those sleepless nights, despite all of this, I still believe in you. I still believe that we can make this work. I still want you. Unfortunately that makes me hate you at the moment because I've never been one to wait around. 

But I do think there are people worth waiting for. I do think there are people worth every tear.

I want you, from the moment we met. But for now, I look forward to the day you want me back.

For now though I'm happy you are happy. You deserve it.

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