Dear Anxiety,
Without your constant love and watch over me my manicure would still look perfect. I would never question the every look I see from another human being. I would never second guess my brand new skirt for looking anything other than cute and daring. With you I worry. I worry about the friends I have and the new hair cut I just got. You make me think about everyone else but the person that is most important. And that’s me. You have been treated with such care and medicated so intensively by the best in the business. But when can I take back what is rightfully mine? When can I break the chains you hold on so tightly to me. You physically and mentally shake me to the point of no return. I cry because I think I’m not human for how I feel inside. I feel like a freak because you make me out to be one. You scare me because of your power, you are more powerful than the soul that houses inside me. I’m cautious about everything and never make a move without your consent. For as much as I try you make it clear that there will be a physical toll if I don’t take the “safe route”. You make me the person I am today but not in a good way.
Dear Depression,
I’d probably be somewhere other than my bed if you didn’t exist. Without you id be able to feel my muscles ache from laughing again. I’d be something they call happy. I’m not even sure what that word means anymore. Of course you still smile and get out of bed. You also still find joy in a warm shower at night. I don’t know how to describe you because you not really a physical thing. But if I did id describe you as a blanket. Your warm and fuzzy, you welcome me so sweetly. Yet you turn out to be so cruel. You take those wonderful memories and dwell on how I could never be so happy again. You take everything and twist it into one big sad black cloud. I’m not scared but I’m sad and alone. This loneliness isn’t like being stranded in the dessert with no one around. This loneliness is they kind that you can be in a room full of people and feel alone. You’re in constant whisper, telling me that no one wants me, that I’m better off being miserable. You make me want to sleep. But I’m not tired, I’m never tired but the only time you go away is when I’m sleeping. Sleeping is something you made me love more than going out and living. And that’s exactly what you wanted.
To the both of you I write to you to tell you how you once made me feel. I say once because I finally did something you both made me feel I couldn’t. I asked for help. I wanted to live and be a human being. I wanted to make a difference in the world. You made me afraid of myself and others. But because I found the voice inside me I stood up. I stood up for me. Not the me with a side of depression or anxiety. I found just me. I asked for help and got the help I deserved. I smile now because I am happy, and I pose with my new hair cut without thinking little of it. To people who aren’t understood that their anxiety and depression is an illness in itself, I’m sorry. I’m proof that to anyone who is going through a battle, it’s okay to ask for help and get help; there are so many people who care.
